I don't need anyone to save me. I can bloody well save myself , if i need to.
If you want to be my hero, please apply somewhere else.
In my word, i guess the only heroine in my world is I.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Warning : Giberrish ahead.
I could just press the Reset button, and everything would start all over again.
Yes, I am dramatic just like that.
I am always in awe with the notion of the phoenix rising from the ashes. Do you know what I mean? Isn't it fabulous that something beautiful will emerge from nothing, that one can be stronger and bigger after all those shit? The notion of it all, that is.
These days, I am very tempted to click the Reset button. To get myself in that ' Fight or Flight' mode and perhaps then, I will find more meaning in life and become a better person. If the only sort of happiness I get is from moments of excitement, mostly transient and trivial, isn't it time to ponder and realise that my fondness of dramatic excitment ( with the very highs and lower-than-low Lows) will get me nowhere?
I know I sound a little disillusioned ( I hate to use the word jaded, it just means so little so hopeless), even a little deranged. I have all I have, yet I want more. Unhappy with where I stand, struggling to break free of what, imaginary or otherwise, I don't know. The lack of conherence underlying my words, simply highlights my lack of focus, my lack of direction. I do not like to be called a lost sheep, in the midst of this big bad world. Sometimes, I wonder if one is or can be genetically inclined to feel more happiness than others?
It's so strange that I can find contentment in the present just days ago and yet feel less than whole right now. It is this sort of gibberish that threatens my sanity. I am sane of course, look at my words , typed out so urgently so full of stale emotions, you would think that I am trying to stop something, perhaps the end of the world, from happening. Like some dying prophets trying to save the world, that kind of urgency. It's like I am noble and crazy, right the same time.
I feel so small sometimes, yet I always thought that I am made for bigger things. It may be just a dream, so fragile yet so important that I nurse this dream close to my heart. a dream that I am afraid that I will break, and the big bad world can break with just s snap of its finger.
I am closer to reality than I am, the feeling of sick at the pit of tummy says it all. I can pray to be less of the person I am now, and more of the person I was before. The sad truth is, I don't know what i want to be anymore, what I am now is of insignificance. Ha.
Why am I such a all or nothing person? If I can't have it all, I rather have nothing at all. In my world, it's just either black or white nothing in between nothing less than the other. The word grey only exists in colour - something tangible that I could for the colour of my clothes and what nots. But for all intangibles, emotions just happenings, it's just black and white. That's why I like to ask questions like , is he nice? is she a good person?
Perhaps at the back of my head, there is a checklist. If you got whatever I got on my checklist right and checked, you're in the white. It's all good. Vice versa, you will get the idea.
All I want these days, is to be alone. To be alone so that I can face myself, in the stark cold honesty. If I want to fly, I must and have to be the person i want to be. This doesnt have to make sense because this is all about me, my self centredness, and my being crying out for me.
There should be more to life , then following around the circle what others deemed as right.
I dont have to be married, to give birth to kids to realise Life comes in full circle. I want to be alone because there are things I want to do and achieve. Things I dont know yet but I am sure it will come pretty soon. I need to be stronger and braver, to have the courage to brave through the mundane, and the courage to find the thing that makes my heart sings.
I have become the mundane, the routine of the everyday life. Just like everybody else. But unlike everyone else, I can't take this lying down. I don't want to live my life the way I do now, it's boring myself my entire stiff. Sometimes, I think if i am less than anyone else because the fear of mundane and mediocrity.
Sometimes, I just wanna be alone to pick myself up to piece up the pieces which I have behind.
I can be whatever I want to be, if I try.
I will be whatever I want to be, if I know what the whatever is.
Yes, I am dramatic just like that.
I am always in awe with the notion of the phoenix rising from the ashes. Do you know what I mean? Isn't it fabulous that something beautiful will emerge from nothing, that one can be stronger and bigger after all those shit? The notion of it all, that is.
These days, I am very tempted to click the Reset button. To get myself in that ' Fight or Flight' mode and perhaps then, I will find more meaning in life and become a better person. If the only sort of happiness I get is from moments of excitement, mostly transient and trivial, isn't it time to ponder and realise that my fondness of dramatic excitment ( with the very highs and lower-than-low Lows) will get me nowhere?
I know I sound a little disillusioned ( I hate to use the word jaded, it just means so little so hopeless), even a little deranged. I have all I have, yet I want more. Unhappy with where I stand, struggling to break free of what, imaginary or otherwise, I don't know. The lack of conherence underlying my words, simply highlights my lack of focus, my lack of direction. I do not like to be called a lost sheep, in the midst of this big bad world. Sometimes, I wonder if one is or can be genetically inclined to feel more happiness than others?
It's so strange that I can find contentment in the present just days ago and yet feel less than whole right now. It is this sort of gibberish that threatens my sanity. I am sane of course, look at my words , typed out so urgently so full of stale emotions, you would think that I am trying to stop something, perhaps the end of the world, from happening. Like some dying prophets trying to save the world, that kind of urgency. It's like I am noble and crazy, right the same time.
I feel so small sometimes, yet I always thought that I am made for bigger things. It may be just a dream, so fragile yet so important that I nurse this dream close to my heart. a dream that I am afraid that I will break, and the big bad world can break with just s snap of its finger.
I am closer to reality than I am, the feeling of sick at the pit of tummy says it all. I can pray to be less of the person I am now, and more of the person I was before. The sad truth is, I don't know what i want to be anymore, what I am now is of insignificance. Ha.
Why am I such a all or nothing person? If I can't have it all, I rather have nothing at all. In my world, it's just either black or white nothing in between nothing less than the other. The word grey only exists in colour - something tangible that I could for the colour of my clothes and what nots. But for all intangibles, emotions just happenings, it's just black and white. That's why I like to ask questions like , is he nice? is she a good person?
Perhaps at the back of my head, there is a checklist. If you got whatever I got on my checklist right and checked, you're in the white. It's all good. Vice versa, you will get the idea.
All I want these days, is to be alone. To be alone so that I can face myself, in the stark cold honesty. If I want to fly, I must and have to be the person i want to be. This doesnt have to make sense because this is all about me, my self centredness, and my being crying out for me.
There should be more to life , then following around the circle what others deemed as right.
I dont have to be married, to give birth to kids to realise Life comes in full circle. I want to be alone because there are things I want to do and achieve. Things I dont know yet but I am sure it will come pretty soon. I need to be stronger and braver, to have the courage to brave through the mundane, and the courage to find the thing that makes my heart sings.
I have become the mundane, the routine of the everyday life. Just like everybody else. But unlike everyone else, I can't take this lying down. I don't want to live my life the way I do now, it's boring myself my entire stiff. Sometimes, I think if i am less than anyone else because the fear of mundane and mediocrity.
Sometimes, I just wanna be alone to pick myself up to piece up the pieces which I have behind.
I can be whatever I want to be, if I try.
I will be whatever I want to be, if I know what the whatever is.
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