The Last Post of The Year

It is only right that I should end the year with something witty and meaningful.
Then again, the antibiotics I've been taking the past few days have unfortunately dried up
my precious brain juice.

It's hard to sound cheerful and jolly when you have been nursing a terrible bout of flu since Christmas week. But hell, I'll try.


I have trouble summarizing the whole of 2009.
Has it been a good year? Or has it not?

What have you done this year?

I was caught by surprise when my colleague asked me this question oh-so-casually.
And I gave the most embarassing yet the most truthful answer.

Let's just say that, despite the ups,downs , sharp turns and what nots this year,
status quo has been maintained.
I don't even know if this is a good thing, though there's nothing really for me to complain about.

There are lessons learnt, and lessons which I am still learning.
Perhaps I should listen more to my heart, and execute all my plans.

I don't know, what a strange year 2009 has proves to be.


I only know 2010 can only get better.

What a depressing post, indeed :P

Just a short one..

My acid reflux is acting up.

This can only mean one thing.

But it's ok. Little sweat.

I don't have to go far to count my blessings.


Thank God.

Dear All, Dear me, Dear Us

Dear All,

I am sure you will be greatly relieved to hear that I'm alive and kicking, amongst other things.

If you care a little bit more about me, you would have known that I've turned quarter a century old, earlier this month. Your birthday greetings are greatly appreciated, and kept close to the heart.And you happen to know me more than the others, you would have known that I'm not exactly pleased with the quarter life crisis I'm facing.

But that's another story for another day.

It saddens me when i see the balance in my bank account,frustrates me to count the ideas which I have yet to realise, and baffles me why I simply refuse to use more of my brains ( my boyfriend can, unfortunately attests to that), and less of my cash.

I'm just not sure about my next 3/4 of the century is going to be like.
The usuals, or maybe I should start dancing to a different tune. ( and I don't mean this literally. I gotta this feeling, tada-tada that tonight's gonna ...)

It just unsettles me.

Well, there are things that i want to do, and i hope I can do it by the end of this year.
They are all little things, but it's the small, simple little things that count. Don't they?

Now, if you want to help me with these small little things because you 1) love me, 2) like me, 3) just trying to help, 4) all of the above,

I'll be grateful if you can ask me out for dinners ( I'll pay for my share, or even treat if i like you enough :P), have dinner with me when I ask you, or perhaps let me know about the orphanages you know in Singapore.

The latter, is extremely important to me. There's something i NEED to do, but I haven't really gotten down to the nitties-grittiees. Let me repeat, this is extremely important to me. You can call this the post birthday present to myself.

Thank you.

And yes, I am suffering a bad bout of Monday-post holiday blues :(

Love,

The girl who is truly blessed :)

They say...

Patience is a virtue. Well, i sure don't feel that virtous at all.

I guess, it is too early for me to pass any form of judgement, isn't it?
Don't really want to bite tongues and take back my words a few weeks down the road, yah.

Maybe the impending monthly amplifies every single thing.
It sucks.

Ok, i do realise i sound juvenile and childish , amongst other things.


If it is ridiculous, it is ridiculous.

I think i am still a confused kid, at the end of the long day.

Here We go again..

I guess I am not very good with changes.
In fact, breaking my good own routines , to say the very least, disturbs me.
This is strange, ironic even, considering my tendencies to initiate changes.

I'll keep this short. Well, as short as I can.
A new beginning lies ahead of me, officially tomorrow morning. At 9 am.
Yes, I should be tucked in bed right now. But truth is, I have been keeping late nights and consequently some mornings for the past few months. During the course of which, I have been a lady of leisure through and through. And I can't say I didn't enjoy it.

I have no idea why i seem to be fretting earlier,
or why I'm feeling uncertain and apprehension amongst other things, right now.
I usually display more guts, more courage than this.

I will overcome. And I will.

A letter to The Special One...

Dear He-whose-eyes-twinkle-when-he-smiles,

I remember the first time I met you. We were colleagues, and we were colleagues.
You were all tall, serious, oh-so-no nonsense that i almost didn't dare to talk you.
Me, the queen of drama-mama. Flinging hands and lightning talking speed.

You don't exactly come across as a big fan of slap stick humour and crazy antics like I am, you know?In fact, I wouldn't have thought you are capable of being a loving,patient and wonderful boyfriend you are to me now :P

You do know how the story about you and I unfolds from there, don't you?

I remember there was a time when I fell quite sick and incoherent in the office,
you rushed down immediately from your home to check me despite a punishing US shift the night before. And you stayed with me without sleep and laments but with plenty love and patience.

It was then I realised how important I am to you, and how dear you make me feel.

I remember how lost and down I felt, not too long ago after being laid off.
But you never gave up believing in me. You held me with strong arms as I cried,shouted and threw tantrums, fed me with kind words , and pulled me up to my feet ever so patiently. Flowers, spas,presents, movies, good food. You did everything you can to cheer me up.

I never forget the look on your face when you see me smile.
That is what I mean when I say, your love humbles me.

I cannot even begin to describe how loved and safe you have made me feel, so choked up I am writing this right now.

Of course, there are the good times and the bad times.
It is just how amazing the good times outweighs the bad, and I can only vividly remember our happy laughter and how right it feels when my hand is in yours.

Thank you for loving me the way you do, like I am always perfect in your eyes.

I have so much to thank you for, but I am choking up again for the all the emotions are welling up so strong within me.But I am sure you know what I want to say....


I love you very much.

Will you always hold my hand, baby?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I am not proposing, btw hor :P


Your XMJ

If the World is my Oyster...

I'll like to eat it raw. With squeeze of zest lemon, please?
I've been thinking. Thinking, and more thinking.
And then some.

We all know how I seem to enjoy immersing myself in self imposed torture chambers of intense,unsolicited,and sometimes gratituous ( if i say so myself) thinking.

You know, tearing off my hair off my scalp and mumbling at my own thoughts?
Yes, the likes of it.

I am, indeed, crazy.

It's wonder that i haven't been sent to a shrink by my parents. Or my boyfriend, for that matter. ( In any case, one would not trust my well being in the hands of a person whose pea size of the brain remains highly dubious - Shrink, shrank, shrunk, shrunken? Get it? No?...)

You know how I am, always, the deep one?
Stop the sniggering. I.can.hear.it.from.here.

Basically, all i want to say is that I have bloody whole load of ideas which I am dying to bring to life. You will be surprised at my tenacity,determination and plain old stubborness. Oh, you mean they all meant the same thing?

And , damn, am I trying to live my life to the fullest or what?

One of my greatest fears which I have been carrying close to my heart,
is that I'll get stuck in the Rat race all my life. With millions, billions of other rats.It sucks to be mediocre. To be ordinary.

Truth is , I am still in the Rat race.
And it's too early to tell if I'll win or get out of it.
All I know is that, at this point of time, I am a happy rat.
Save for the tearing at my scalp and mumbling tendencies.

And I'm extremely thankful for that :)

Thank you.

The La la las of my over rated Life

I suppose I always secretly wanted to be an over-achiever, to be seen as the cream of the crop. Scary, isn't it ?
Yes, beneath the happy-go-lucky, often nonsensical front, I am indeed someone who wants to achieve. To be seen as one of THE movers and shakers.

Indeed.

I suppose the inadequacy I am feeling right now mirrors the fact that I am insanely fixated on the status quo. On the status quo. I am maintaining now.

I want something more, it is crazy sometimes how much I desire success.

But the sobering truth is, fortunately or otherwise ( depending whose side you are on), the Higher-ups cannot and will not comply if you do not know what you want.

In fact, right to a certain extent, I have gotten what I want. Just like what I wish for.Thing is, is that enough?
Or rather is this really what I want?
I say, I wouldn't know if i never did try.

And yes, I think too much. Sometimes, I wonder if my super ability to think ever cripples my ability to action.

My inner control freak battles the fear monster ever so ferociously, it's overrated.

On a lighter, more coherent thought, I always try to make donations whenever I can. I'm not trying to paint a holier-than-thou picture, my innate self righteous self notwithstanding. Hehe.

In the light of the many charitable organizations embezzling money for selfish reasons, I can understand why many have trouble reconciling skepticism and their acts of kindness. Do i make sense here?

I think my brain is going through some of sort comatose, not unknown or uncommon to greedy overeaters like yours truly. ( Popeyes and fish soup makes u lose your coherence??)

My point is, that whenever I am asked to make a donation , buy something to help the less fortunate, I'll tell myself this:

If I can spend my money purchasing the dresses, bags or what ever which I probably do not logically need another of, I do believe I have enough dough to help someone else in need. To put it bluntly, I rather get cheated by a bogus charity than to miss out an opportunity to assist someone who really needs it.

But of course, our common sense tells us to check for official authorisation documents and beneficiaries before handing over any form of donations.

Giving, in every sense of the words, is humbling.

Life is...

I should be esctatic,no? Shouting for joy,perhaps? Or at the very least,relieved?

I wonder.

Is this going to be the turning point in my life, for something better?
Then why am I ridden with apprehension and fear , for what is to come in the very near future?

Decision making is never easy.
Perhaps, I'm just clutching the string which holds kite oh too tightly.

I sound incoherent. Constipated.
My ability to articulate my emotions and thoughts fails me so sometimes.


Oh well.

If Life is a box of Chocolate, I just hope mine is Godiva.

Now, now , now

Now, the thing about me is that I don't give up.
I may whine, cry, thrash around like a crazy cow when the going gets hard.
But I do not quit. Quitting is for loser.

And I don't intend to be one.

As much as I don't particularly enjoy being prim and stuffy, I do take things seriously.Like my colour of my shoes has to match that of my belt. And the belt can only be buckled at the third hole from the end.

Just kidding, but you get the gist :)

I think I'm sitting at the brink of success, at the edge of insanity.
Pardon me if I come across as incoherent, but I can feel what it is to be the beggining of success, cloaked in the facade of failure,hopelessness and fear.

It's like the fate tempting me to give up, if I dare.
I'm so damn afraid sometimes that i ended up being just as amused.
For I can only be afraid of myself, and my weaknesses.

Perhaps, there can be courage only when there is fear.

No pictures, no major updates..

For benefit of all mankind, the only minor update i have is that
I need to freaking study if i want to have any chance of passing my M1 tomorrow.

We ( or rather I) need to put things into perspective.
I will bloody hell study now.. Thank you and end of story.

Out of La la land

It's getting harder, and the air's thinner.
Not very comfortable, and I'm indeed fretting now.
I wonder how much is at stake?

And I thought I was cool as a cucumber, and my mind firm as a rock.
Bullshit.
Careless, callous words set me ablaze and thoroughly seared through my self worth. It hurts.

It hurts even more to realise that how much I hunger for empathy and understanding. And of course, affirmation.

Just how much have I lost? I hate this feeling, to be such an ingrate.
For I am in a far more privileged position than most.

I hate knowing that I have not done my best.
Hate knowing that I have not place my best card down, thinking I have a strategy.

I am just too antsy, too short fused.
Not easy to hang around with these days.

It's crazy how often I fall and then pick myself up again. The cycle goes on.

On a terrible side note, my skin is acting up again :(

WHEE double dee double dooo...

I know i know. I was in one of those morbid,dark mood just yesterday.
Then it all lifted by a surprise which came moments ago.

I'm jumping like the Energiser bunny now.
Hop,hop,hop!

Pretty flowers with loads of love, from the very dear one:)
Maybe I'll take a picture or 2, when i'm free.

'I know Love isn't easy, not all nice and rosy.
And that it's about all about the Journey,
walking past the Maybes, and weathering through nasties'

There is never a doubt that I love you, and I love the way you love me:)

It's catching up on us, My friend

The heat is coming on, hot and threatening.
To blow the fuse, and what not.

The facade and the pretense to stay strong in the face of adversity are all lies.
Lies, not for anyone else but myself. To keep myself sane and functional.
Some people call it optimism, while others call it self denial.

Regardless of which camp you're siding, i hope you are in a better position than I am to judge me. For I have heard that judging excessively is a surest way to hell. Yes, the soul in a pressure cooker is the most vindictive.

I hate this.
I am a loser, liar and a complete monster. And I digress.
Why can't I be stronger,and more resourceful?


Fighting for dignity and self worth is an endless battle.
When I mean self worth, it means getting what I deserve and not settle for less.
It's meaning going towards somewhere i want to go, somewhere i want to be.

I am lost, yet I am not.
My state of employment, my pedigree( ok i make myslef sound like a real bitch. Woof!), my lifetime (thus -far) of accomplishments should not dictate me. They should not be a summary of who am I.

The battle still goes on, I'll never go down without a good fight.
and who says, i'll be falling down anyway :)

Random-dee-doo-dum... Part 1

I like to laugh at myself, my own mistakes.
Those rumours about me being anal, and being hard on myself.
They are true. Perhaps.

Thing is, I've successfully pretend to acclimatize myself such that I grew oblivious ,even ignorant of things which i may potentially care. The state of tidiness in my room, the economy, the weather and basically the likes of it.

I give reasons, I justify, I procrastinate. Tsk- tsk.
This does not sound like the makings of a great person. I need my self-help books already.
On precious hindsight ( this sounds like I am already dead. But I do not wish to challenge your intelligence), what can potentially spell my success as person has made me less of the person I am now.

I'm the kind of the person who needs the full story, I need to know the nitty-gritties.
I like the idea of completion. Any inadequacies, flaws, missing details maybe tolerated till i forget about it. But like I've said, being anal maybe the root of my elephant memory.
And we all know we only remember what we want to remember.

The thing they say about Women being great multi-taskers, is sometimes lost on me.
If being a fantastic multi-tasker makes me a woman,
then I am not one. But of course we all know how silly this is, especially when i just checked my nether-regions once again. ( I know you don't have to know, but I'm kiddding in the name of fun!)

I cannot be much of a multi-tasker, if I has exceedingly keen eyes for details which I place importance on. I seek completion.

But of course, the ability to eat,shit and listen at the same time is innate. It's primitive, and instinctive. It does not make me more or less of a woman, for that matter. So is the ability to make do with what you have. It's human nature, and sometimes it naseates me how human i can get.

Incoherent babblings

I always have a strong sense of self, of who I am.
And of course who I am want to be.

I am not going to lie and say that I don't care what others think about me.
It's just that what i think of myself matters more.

I obviously do care --- I can (sometimes even vehemently) remember being taunted by an extremely greasy/obese,unpopular and rude male classmate in high school, for being fat.

The irony of me being smaller than him was probably lost in his thick head. To be fair, I didn't get the beauty of the irony then either because i burst in tears immediately ( for the joke was on me apparently). In true honesty,I would felt much better if that bad mouthing and juvenile (on hindsight) tauting was done by some hot stud of the jock. Get what I mean?

But well, i got over it and Life goes on. I still thought I'm pretty cool.
You might think so too, if you had shared my (then) fondness for bright Hawaiian shirts, khakis and maybe some Fubu jeans.

Please note (or reminisce, if you are of my age and beyond)an era where my peers developed an (acquired) taste of wearing black bra underneath Giordano windbreakers and tight bell bottoms. And then some. (*shudders*)

And of course ,being the innately arrogant ass that I am,
I was ( and still am) immensely smug that I didn't fall to the dark side.
I chose the side to be I want to be on.
(Too much of autobots,and Megan Fox in my head. Jetfire, anyone?)

Things change when you get older.
It isn't right to say that we cannot choose the circumstances we get into,
yet it is unfair to say if we can.

Anyways, I'm holding on to very essence of me but sometimes the mainstream draught causes me to waver. And when it does, it annoys me so.

I think I am getting extremely incoherent.
I know who and what I am, and what I want to be.
But then, I just need to know where to go.

It's like sand falling through my fingers..

This is not funny.Not funny at all.
Yes, I'm in one of my emo-nemo-maybe-i-should-kill-someone-now mood.
What makes this worse is knowing that this probably isn't the work of the infamous PMS.

Now what? Somebody, tell me now what?
I hate explaining why i do things i do. It just doesn't make sense for me to justify my actions and my thoughts. I'd rather have someone kick me in the ass, i tell you. Well meaning or not,
I don't need anyone to question me. For this is my life, and this is what I live for.

I know, my coherence is failing me.
And i know i'm big whiner and a unbelievable procrastinator. But that doesn't mean that i don't know what i want, and that my every step doesn't mean a thing. There are things i want to do, and perhaps the time is now. Sometimes, I'm planning but I'm not ready to share.

People, please do not try to confuse me.
I have a couple of paths i can choose, some of which may be mutually exclusive of each other.
I'm just bloody afraid that i will screw my life to the path of mediocrity and general dissatisfaction. That I am less of what i thought myself to be.

This fear.

Sometimes, I wonder I am what i am , or what i want myself to be.
It's a thin red line, my friend. Go figure.

Oh , as the heat waves hit!

The weather has been ridiculously crazy. The whole ball of heat and humidity just tries to drive me insane. It makes my temper short and funky, and I figure I have not been exactly fun or pleasant to be around ( even being funky can't save the hell out of me). All i want to do is to stay in the cool comfort of my room and rot my life away. Am I a pampered child or am i not?

Oh well. The parents, and the best friend are out of town. Only the boyfriend stays and has willingingly braved through my alternate bouts of whininess,scowling impatience and some uncomely manners :( In short, the boyfriend has been leting me have my way, just because he couldn't bear seeing me upset. Even when he thinks i'm a tad unreasonable.Love you baby !

The truth is i don have much to say or update.
I'm feeling tired. I blame the afternoon sun. Getting back into shape after you have melted thoroughly required energy and patience.

Perfect in Mediocrity...

Sometimes I think I am so much of a perfectionist , that I am just so terribly afraid that what I do turns out to be imperfect. Nondescript. Or mediocre.
And end up not doing anything at all.

Such fear of being a failure is not cute, i know.


As you may already tell, I'm pretty much in denial about it.

Seems like I'm the kind of person who asserts incessant pressure on myself,
driving myself crazy without meaning to. My body crashes and turns ballistic on me,leaving me quite the bewildered fool with the insane amount of drugs I take.

Stress ,it seems. Or so some of my doctors say.
Stress it is then, I suppose.

In true honesty, it is somewhat of humiliation and utter blow to my oh-so-sensitive ego when people suggest that my physical health crumbles in the face of challenge. I hate it because it implies that I am weak. We all know how unspoken implications sting , especially the young and indignant.

And no one likes to be weak.
This is a fact of life, something that even the great evolution of Mankind ( and otherwise) cannot and will not erase. This is how the ecosystem is being run and will continue to.

I am ,however,feeling weak.
Knowing that I am yet again at crossroads and not knowing what to do next can be quite distressing. Ha, am I the only one who can smell the thick scent of irony?

Having a supportive and loving family , and of course the wonderful boyfriend eases the frustration,the helplessness of being weak. I only fear for their own sanity.

Well, mostly the boyfriend's for now.
I am truly amazed at his threshold for my nonsense, my incoherent blabberings and all those crying fits.He's ever patient and giving, and nary a word of complain even when i am shrieking my head off over the phone. Does the sweetest things to make me happy, and giving in to my silly little whims. Ah, such a darling and i bet he knows it too. haha
Thank you, my dear :)

It's strange how counting my blessings seem to change this whole depressing almost militant flavour of this post. Yes, I'm not as ungrateful and crazy as what you may think.

Oh well, I'll do better tomorrow.

You know where you got your funny genes from..

when your dad speaks slapstick like he's on some Jack Neo's show.
Not your typical fuddy duddy man. Although he vehemently emphasized , on several occasion , that he is one very traditional man. And I concur.

But that's another story for another day till the blue moon's out.

Yes, my dad is awesomely cool, very hip. He has msn, so do I.
He has facebook too, if you don't already know.
In fact, we just had a msn conversation which went like this :

( As you can see evidently below , my dad's name is lim.
I call him Lim Peh. Like seriously.)


lim says:
have your lunch?

jane: limbo jumbo.. says:
not yet

jane: limbo jumbo.. says:
you leh?

lim says:
so how?my sky so late you haven't eat

jane: limbo jumbo.. says:
whahahaa

jane: limbo jumbo.. says:
my sky = wo de tian ah?

jane: limbo jumbo.. says:
whahhhaa

It's hilarious, especially my dad rushed downstairs from his room to mine just to enlighten yours truly on his apparent genius use of ' my sky'. And of course being the precocious one, i was already laughing my guts and brain juices out when i saw his message.

Oh, please do excuse my gratuitous use of ' whahahaha' in all general msn conversations. Yes, I am a happy person.Sometimes, it's just a figure of speech. And a wonderful and dynamic sort of conversation filler. It's just plain cute,right? Whahahahah.

Oh well, i need to get lunch soon.
Otherwise,' my sky' will be coming down on me soon.

I've been putting off the inevitable, the essential and the formidable.
Instead, the plain old Jane has been busy doing nothing and everything. Darn.
Yes, the pains of sitting at the Throne of The Procrastinator.

Like sitting in front of the computer, facial-masked, not really knowing what to do or say. No, not constructive at all.

Amongst the many things which I unfortunately have not bring my mind and soul to do, I probably need to do up my resume really soon. An art which I have yet to master or even get the hang of. In fact, I never figured this out even now.

I mean, what the hell am I suppose to write about?
That I'm insanely adept at high-end data entry and 'maintaining excellent relationships with internal and external client alike'.
Or I'm extremely anal about the weirdest things,
but not exactly meticulous. Or maybe I'm so much of a perfectionist that i
took me this long to put the resume together.

Resume notwithstanding, i hate it when I cannot bring my ideas, my dreams to life. I do sound bitter and old, though I would very much like trade all of the bitterness and antsy-ness for humor and laughter. Bah!

On the a more superficial and happier note,
I really do love the above mentioned face mask
whahahah..

It feels good to know that...

Perhaps, just perhaps i am beginning to rediscover the reason why I did what did after graduation.

Maybe it was the glamor and glory which the laymen, insiders and media sang about.Yes, definitely the glory. The money, and lure of becoming extraordinary.
You know, it's not unlike wanting to become a movie star.

But there was more. There were more.There is more.
It is the fascination of how the intangibles , mere numbers on computers on computer screens and papers which are seemingly worthless, bring about cascading effect on the market. On the world. And how eerily the market mirrors the happenings in this world.

And perhaps, it's the young foolish notion of wanting to continue the family tradition. In my mind , even some sort of legacy.

As much as I would not take my own words for gold at this weird hours of the Wee, it seems like perhaps a beacon of light has been shone ahead of tiny little path.If it will please you,I am immensely pleased to say that my sorely missed ability to think and analyze is back.

Erm, I just need more practice :)

Controlled Inanity ... or Insanity?

I don't mean to write up a hell of a storm, one hour after midnight.
But i guess i can't help feeling restless and insanely bored,
which is the most curious thing if you've have seen my to-do list.( Not that I've one, but I'll get down to it. Soon. I hope.)

The very least I can do now is pack my luggies for Friday's trip to Hong Kong. ( ok they sound like diapers. But hell, life is less boring when you think of cutsey, girly names for the most inane thing.Kudos to my Taiwanese roots!) An overpacker like me should just dump everything into the suitcase, and just sit on it. ( To get it shut, of course. Bimbo.)

But no, Miss Lim here loves to complicate her life for vanity's sake.No sniggering,please. Going on a holiday does not mean doning a big red Haiwaiian red and khaki shorts. Period.

It means incessant pestering of the Boyfriend on how many dresses she should bring amongst other important things.
Yes, poor Mr R ;)

On a more serious note, ( not serious per se, because no one in the right state of mind makes sense at this time. Yes, I'm weak. Sue me.)
I see this blog has been facing a creativity drought. No promised book reviews,
no entries that invoke interest and thought, and the likes of it.

Well, see my earlier point about being robbed of brain juices. For months, I probably had sand for brains. I have not been reading, churning up my creative juice, and tying up all of loose ends in life. I am going to make up for it :)

I know my blog is almost void of pictures. I have plenty of pictures, but too lazy to put it up even on Facebook. Perhaps I should also do something about it as well.

Oh, I went a little crazy and bought about hmmmm....6 hairbands yesterday.
A little too enthusiastic I know , but all too pretty to resist. And I need something to hold my fringe away from my face. See, perfect justification. Snigger again, and I'll sue you. After I find a lawyer, that is.

And by the way, the craze over hair band was not inspired by Gossip Girls.
I don't even watch the series, for goodness sake. Yet.( Never say never)
The inspiration comes from the innate vanity which probably originated from a foolish notion that I look pretty good with my hair pulled back by a pretty piece of plastic.( Foolish indeed, for my face looks like the roti prata you had this morning with teh terik. Or the pancakes you had with maple syrup.)

Good night world!
I'm crazy, not stupid :P

Dealing With the Aftermath...

of an earth shattering and perhaps life changing event is never easy for anyone.
Well, I'm not even good in Maths to begin with. ( Don't get me started on the multiple mathematics teachers whom i had barely concealed feuds with. The feeling was mutual, thank you.)

Pardon my tendency to dramatize and sensationalize,
I am after all officially unemployed due to major organization restructuring that
has rendered certain positions ( read: yours truly) redundant. So, cut me some slack for now.

An exact week and one day after that fateful Black Tuesday,
I am still in emotional and mental limbo.
Sure, I'm open about my predicament.
But that doesn't meant that I do not have questions. Some of which I may never find the answers to, while others may just take great faith and some time to reveal.

I cannot deny these sneaky panic attacks that i get,
afraid that time will just pass me by while i am stalled in the game of Life.
And how i am loss for words when people asked if I was laid off, as a result of
office politics. For I really don't and wouldn't know.

The truth is that I'm not so much deflated at the reality of being axed, but terribly afraid of what comes after. The Choice of path which i choose to take thereafter. I've been on auto-pilot mode for so darn long that it sends tingles down my spine now that I'm taking the control of my life again.

It is simultaneously liberating,exciting and very daunting.

I can only pray.

I am not afraid to say I'm afraid.
Not afraid to say that the retrenchment has plundered some of my confidence,my pride and then some. Yet, it gave me back the ability to think and plan, which the job had unfortunately robbed me of. Not unlike giving back the cow, her udders.

It is unbelievable how many people has shown their concern and support when they knew about my little tricky situation. The helping hands, listening ears, the kind words overwhelmed my heart, in the best way ever of course. I thank you , you people who has shown immense love and tolerance during this tough patch.
The same people who volunteered part of their anatomy ( ok, this sounds wrong)
to make me feel a little better, and very much stronger.
I guess there must be something I am doing right, after all :)

And i know i have a lot to grateful for,
and this period just highlights my blessings.
I see the light at the end of tunnel,
and realize that Light never left me at all.

I stumbled, but I never fell.
Not when I have so much love holding me on, pushing me through :)
Thank you.

Now, now, now...

I guess most people would have known what happened yesterday by now.
We all know how fast news travel down the grape vine ,
and how it is a small world after all :)
And i don't think it's anything to be ashamed of ,really.

I'm not really going to huddle in one dark quiet corner and feel sorry for myself.
Neither am i going to pretend that this is an easy pill to swallow
especially so when I take great pride in my work.

Oh, of course I've asked questions and pondered why i was one of the chosen ones.And wondered why the guy who sat opposite me got away 'scot-free'.
Yes the same guy who spent his days being late and eating apples.

And yet, more of the good men down.

Ah, do i sound bitter or what?
See I did say this is hard to swallow and how debilitating it is to my own self worth. I am learning to not take this personally, as much as my innately emotional self seem to suggest otherwise.

Truth to be told,
I am actually relieved and almost amusingly happy that i was let go.
Everyone knows that I was not doing what I was originally recruited for,
and that job scope just evolved drastically to cater to the organization's need.

I was not really happy for a long time,
for i was not where i want to be.

Perhaps, it is the age of liberation.

I coped and maybe i grew complacent in that pseudo comfort zone.
Inertia and procrastination plagued me, and I don't think anymore.
Now that I'm being pushed out of the comfort zone,
I know that this is a blessing in disguise. And i thank God for that.

Yes, I'm still reeling from the aftermath. After all, it's not everyday affair that ( in their words) your position was made redundant.
It's unsettling, to say the least. I'm feeling a tad lost, but i think i'm getting back on track.( like I've said, I unfortunately stopped thinking for quite some time now :P )

Thing is, I would not want to jump on the next available wagon,just because.
I did that almost 2 years, and led me somewhere else.


I am extremely thankful for a very caring and supportive family,
an awesome boyfriend,and my equally fantastic friends.
As I've gained affirmation , confirmation and what nots, that
I would still be their daughter/girlfriend/bff/buddy.
There's nothing Jane Lim should be afraid of!

Now, the Hong kong trip next week :)
Whee!

Remember when a door closes, another window opens :D

It's the Monday blues, and the last week's flu..

Hello world,

My mind is as cluttered as my room,
no thanks to my shopping habits...
And the cute little massive ( how can it little and massive at the same time i don;t know) headache I'm nursing :)

Ah well, need to head down to the doc's now.
With my new brows and all,
dark and formidable. whahaha..


I need to do something to my life.
I want a new drawer and a garment steamer.
ANd maybe some hangers.

Here we go again....

I'm feeling kind of unsettled now.
Not unlike butterflies in my tummy,
but I can't think of a more apt analogy.

Not too sure if it's the income tax e filing which i have not done,
or the company's VPN i have not installed,
Or maybe the ideas that have been bubbling in my head,
that has not been brought to reality.

Perhaps I'm just afraid of what's ahead.
Afraid of everything, and most probably of nothing.
Such sheer waste of effort and time, I must say.


The time is now.

Bye for now, the Monday blues is eating me up.
I'm not good with changes, it unnerves me.

But staying at the same little square in the same old monopoly game,
for a long long long time frightens me even more.

What should I do?
I'm confused,timid, lost and unsettled.

I'm afraid, yet I'm not.

It's Yet Another Day, My Friend...

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Hello World!...

It's been a while, and it's been a while.
Yes, I should have uploaded the millions of pictures residing happily in the camera of mine.
But I'm lazy and you know it.

Alas, the writing bug bites and it's darn hard to shrug it away.

I mean if you bother to read this,
it's either you love or care about me enough to do so :)


Or maybe if you're my boyfriend's ex and still talking me,
I'm very sure it would please you immensely to know that
he's very much better off without you and your shamelessly gold digging and parasitic ways.
( And oh before you go off running to your new spanking new clueless boyfriend, you should come clean with all you've done. I could help you out with the list if you like :) )

I pity Shortie,though.
He's probably ignorant of your tyranny and uncouthly mannerisms.
But in the case he knows it and willing to weather through with you,

I SALUTE HIM!

He's a gem then, and you should thank your holy ancestors and holy shit!

And by the way, I do know that you have been going around telling people how ugly I am.
From R to even the maid ( whom you infamously abuse).
Thing is babe, you know the truth. And the truth hurts :)

My inherent generosity and patience will condone your delusions.

Phew, my hormones do bring out the venomous but oh-so-truthful streak in me:)
I'm pretty sure my papa, mummy, bro,R and my friends will forgive me for the brutally forthright disclosure about human nature:)

On to better things in life,
I've been shopping like milkmaids milking cows.
It's crazy, it's an addiction and I'm trying to moderate it.

I like pretty things but I jolly well i don't have to get them all.
And we all know i do have quite a abit of pretty things.
But it's hard to resist worldly temptations these days.

I wonder if i relish in the brief gratification that mere purchase of pretty things will bring?
Or do I seek solace in the possession of something everyone else may want or desire?
Or is it the very fact the ability and autonomy of buying things i like is just another way of asserting ownership of my life.

And the good and the bad,I know I'm not the only one.

Work is busy now with the merger.
My brain seems more alive, more stimulated at new challenges and the burgeoning inbox.
But we all know the novelty will wear off,
and let's just say work is not what I'll like to contend with in the long run.


Ah, I need a bloody push.
I'm getting too comfortable with my life :)

I'm happy, in haphazard kind of way.
I cope and I make do.
I play and I make merry.

But i need to be desperate enough to get out of the the self imposed rut.
There is no such thing as rut. Only procrastination, apathy and pure laziness.
And there's choice.

At the end of the day, there's still choice, free will and what not.
All i need now is one big dollop of courage and great belief :)

Let's all take the leap and walk the talk!

P.S: I'm at Pac Coffee Vivo typing this with my darling baby R beside me :)
For this and the million things God has given me, I'm grateful.
And oh and that pretty dress which R insisted on buying me just now :D

Thank you.

I'm just so afraid that...

it will happen all over again.

I feel so tired, so drained.

February is a bad month.
Or maybe I'm just a coward.


Please, let there be sunshine after the rain. :)

Every once so very often...

i get awed and bowled over ( in a good way, of course)
by Mr R's sweet, thoughtful gestures. And how he likes to indulge
my whims and fancies :)

Just the other day,
I had this intense craving for breakfast eggs.
Preferably scrambled and yummy. And egg only.
I would have gladly settled for MacDonald,
if not for the fact they probably wouldn't be very happy with my orders.
( Though i am very sure they probably are strong advocates of ' Happy Meals')

' Aunty, one BIG breakfast w/o muffins and everything else except the eggs.'

It's like chicken rice w/o chicken, ya know.

So my baby bought me Ya kun with the lovely half boiled eggs that i so adore.

But, the craving persists the next day and the next.

Today, I was greeted with sunny yellow scrambled eggs at 5 am in the morning.
( Folks, that's when I start work if you don't already know!)
Lovingly made by Mr R the Superman in the unearthly hours of 3 30 am,
even when he was terribly unwell on 2 days of sick leaves before.

It's amazing how he does these beautiful things so lovingly,
and never asking for any returns.

If this is not love, I don't know what is.
















He's a true gem, and I love you baby!

The Brutal Truth

The silence is deafening.
Out of sorts, under-the-weather or what-have you-nots?

I'm afraid not. It's been far too long.
I can taste fear in my lips,stale and cold.
What does fear taste like?Nothing.

I am 25. And this is not the best of me.So what's left?
Nothing?

What is inertia when you have no drive?
So what are dreams, when I don't even try...

Gracious me. I'm stucked,isn't it.
And it feels like shit.
To be here and not living.
To let this shit drain every single drop of the very essence of me.
The funniest thing is I don't even know what shit i'm talking.

It's always,' Let's do it, Jane!'.
Then,'Do it.','do it...'
After which,' Oh well, maybe..'
Thereafter, whisperings of' Well maybe.. maybe... Not'

Somehow,sometimes, somewhere there might this sudden bust of passion,the inspiring spurt of drive.

' Bloody well do it, Jane!'

Finally and regretfully, we often ended up with '...'
It saddens me a great deal, when all those glorious emotions and energy fizzled into this pathetic drizzle of indifference and numbness.I know there is so much more to me,so much of me.

Any brilliant idea will lose its shine,in this mud of procrastination and mental decomposition.

I am terrified.
Terrified of living my dreams,bringing them into reality.

I'm so damn bloody frightened to go against the norm,
yet even more so terrified that I will become the norm.
To be another tom,dick and harry,making up the statistics scares the shit out of me.

I want so much more, but I don't really know how to go about it.
I don't want to be a Tom, Dick or Harry.'Cause i'm not.

I'm Jane. ( okie, I couldn't resist that :))

I feel like I'm perching on thin,tight line.Afraid to move forward, very reluctant to more forward.Stay still for too long, I'll fall.

What am i suppose to do?
It does't take an epiphany to tell my what to do.
The answer might be painfully clear.


'I'm Jane. And I'm doing it now!'

Just a random lil post..

Many things probably happened since i last updated.
But really, nothing much has changed :P

In a little nut shell,
I'm still grappling with the annoying gastric problem,
and of course the switch in shift. But that's nothing new.
I'll get better soon,
esp the long weekend ahead. ( I took yesterday off!)


Oh, Rich and I celebrated 8th month just so recently.
The sweet little boy ( okie, he's not exactly little but very sweet nontheless hor:))
wrapped me up to this little quaint spa retreat in Batam,
for one day get away.

The place was so beautiful but alas,
i had a short bout of skin allergy the day after.
( I seriously don't think it's the treatments ,cos my eczema was already flaring up quite a bit prior to that. And Rich's skin was baby smooth after that:D )


We had Dinner at Ember the next night.
The food was awesome, and so was the company.
I promise to upload the photos really soon,
though i probably can count the number of people who read my blog
with like erm one hand!


Well, the true agenda/gist of this post is that:
Rich is back in Indo for the CNY :(

I miss my baby terribly,:(
I'm sure our phone bills will be crazy this month!
Haha, I wonder how he takes my winnings and erm confessions
some many kilometers away.

I'm always asking him to come back now,
though it's really stupid and I'm going to be 25 this coming Nov.
And i know how important it is for him to spend time with his family.

So much for believing that maturity does come with age!

I miss you baby!
Come back soooon, safe and sound!

Okiedokie, gotta go.
Cici is coming back with my popiah sooooooooon.

Lesson #1- 2009

I learned something today.
Nothing earth shattering, surprising or even new.
But I guess it's something I constantly forget,
or took granted for.

Everyone needs affirmations every single day.
A pat on the shoulder, words of appreciation and
those simple gestures of encouragement.
Perhaps sometimes we forgot the power of the small things.
Those small things which can make or break someone's day.

Because these things show that they care.
That someone cares enough to show that you matter.

The very small things which are so simple and fool-hardy in theory.
Yet given out in such small quantities that one may think that
they are made of gold. Or baby elephants. Dodo birds.
Erm, you get the idea.


So there, we forgot ( okie, It's I. Limpeh if you like,you politically people.)
the important things in our busy and selfish lives.
Unknowingly, we hurt/neglect/ (fill in the blardy blanks with appropriate verb)
people we love the most.
Isn't this the most ironical thing on earth?
( along with AIG executives on luxurious retreats after being bailed out, and perhaps that pretty shoe that was thrown at Bush.)

And what adds on to this irony is that,
your loved ones will never blame nor accuse you of the hurt you have caused.
Because they love you.

Sometimes I tend to a little incoherent,
even when I'm perfectly sober.

What I'm saying is,
It's a crazy world out there.
You never know when will the mighty Goldman Sachs fall (HAHA),
or if there's going to be a war in the southern province of China.
Or if the price of your favorite mee-pok tah will increase yet again in the year ahead.

But please please please show those who matter that you love them,
because you ( or at least I ) can be almost sure of their love for you.

To my Parents,brother John ( are you sleeping x2 , Bro John), Baby and good friends:

I love you all loads, and i hope to be a better daughter, sister, girl friend in the year ahead :)

And oh,
Happy New year!!