A couple of months have passed us by, yet again.

I am in a better place now since my last post. Not that I was in a big, bad place where flowers don't grow and cows eat us up for dinners.

Now, I haven't struck lottery, clinch a high flying job, heading a new hot start-up or lost some weight.
No, nothing drastic like that. I would very much would like these good things befalling on me right now but you know, everything in its own time and space ( though I believe it will be really soon :))

I think I've become more positive ( or at least, trying to mindful of the positivity level in my body) and assertive along the way. Happy to say that I'm getting better at standing up for myself tangibly and effective as my tolerance for nonsense and bull shit seem to have decreased. It's also through the difficult times (and honestly I'm still living a good life), I become stronger and grateful for what I have.

I guess, the journey is about searching and finding the real me. The true values, principles and passions I am proud to stand for


Nevertheless, I am only Human. I still struggle.
I still struggle sometimes with how people think of me but mostly my own expectations.

 I'm known to be pretty hard on myself and this is something I've been working on and probably will need to work on for the most part of my life. Rich always remind me that I don't always give myself credit for a job well done.  I believe moderating this mindset and self-blaming tendencies would definitely benefit me greatly ( at the very least, such mindfulness would do my anxiety good).


School

 On a brighter note, my results from the  past two semesters are not bad ( more As than Bs) given that I haven't been a very conscientious student and that  my middle name is procrastination. I got an A for an exam for which I was worried that I might fail.

Need to work harder and smarter for the final project.

Benchmark
We all know of that someone who likes to use others as benchmarks in various aspects of their lives.
Hell, we all do that some ways or another ourselves. I'm very mindful of such tendencies (note how much I love to use 'tendencies) because (i) I believe in competing with myself and not others and (ii) this usually masked uglier emotions and behavior such as jealousy, insecurities and pride.

And, it feels terrible to be benchmarked against by a friend. Gives a very different meaning to ' I'm watching your back'.

Business Ideas
I have some well meaning souls asking me to start up a new business as it is the best time for me to do so.

True, that. After going through this MBA course as well as my short lived stint with the jewel curate, I come to realise that profitability ( This may sound gratuitous but there's a lot more to profitability than just 'making money or sales') , sustainability and execution of a business idea is very important.

So yes, I don't have any brilliant and sustainable business ideas just yet.

Have you ever felt

like you have a million thoughts and emotions swirling in your mind but couldn't find the right words to express them?

I'm at a crossroad and faced with an ultimatum which I cannot afford to fail.

The funny thing is that I had a epiphany last night after spending an hour (and spraining my neck) in a trampoline park.

I am, generally,  full of fear and my mind falls prey to all kinds of psychological barriers or phobia you can think of. And then I get stuck, frozen at the very first place I've started ( Not sure if you could call started) and unable to move forward. Ironically, i can do it when I leave inhibitions behind ( though I probably need a step-by-step guide because I just don't know how. and just try hard enough.

It's like I like to draw little circles around myself. You know, little circles of comfort zones.This, Jane can do it. That may be a stretch but still can done with time and practice ( but sometimes, the time is never right). Those ( huge) puddles of unknown in between the circles, I can't bear to look them in the eyes.  Too different, too difficult, too out of my league ( even though nobody actually knows what kind of league i'm in).


Here I am, wretched with pain and fear.
Afraid to lose, something I hold so dear.
Not far away, the dark skies loom.
They seem to speak of only gloom.

Don't fear, my little dear
Look there, a rainbow in sight
Drenched in that beautiful godly light.

Let's get real and raw - Part 1

The last couple of months have passed us by.

Like I've mentioned before, this chapter of my life is determined to give me some hard knocks and some tough lessons before it ends. This chapter feels uncomfortable and suffocating, not unlike when your jeans become one size too tight. You know, when the jeans are too small to be buttoned up yet it's another grand chore to pull them down again (Skinny bitches, if you don't know what I'm taking about). The accompanying  guilt, embarrassment, indignity and  perhaps self directed anger are real.

 The thought of being judged less favorably than the person I think am and could be, stings.

I feel guilty for many things which i should be grateful for.

Precious, precious time  for me to rest and re-align my priorities. Or just to do whatever I like.
I feel guilty for squandering such prized commodity away to frivolous pursuits and mindless meandering activities. I could have exercised more, done more charity work or come up with ingenious and sustainable business ideas.

My thoughts are scattered and my speech stuttered. I'm horrified at how inadequate and in-eloquent I have become  in conversations these days ( though one may argue that this is the exact  reason why I left my job)  - Am I even becoming a better person in the most holistic sense of the word? On another note, it may be a good idea to explore joining toastmasters.


It feels empty. I feel empty. I have not dug long and deep enough to find my passions, values and priorities.Perhaps, I have not had the courage and  the wisdom to face my true self and what really moves and drives me. Perhaps, I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough. That I am destined to a very mediocre existence ( greatest big ass fears out of all fears!).

Somehow, I've gotten much more judgmental in the past years and unfortunately have claimed superiority in my mind over certain people who have crossed my path. This may be the mindset which leads to me to be intimidated by people whom I may perceived as capable and intelligent. Honestly, this may also be insecurity and lack of confidence inherent in me which I think I must try to overcome.  For very often, I may know better than by the so-called smartie pants.

 I need to trust myself more and portray  myself more confidently. I like to be sure of the facts or knowledge I share and  usually very honest about what I do not know ( hopefully, I will learn to use this to my advantage).

I also feel guilty for the financial burden on my husband during this period of sabbatical for we all know the cold hard truth that I am spendthrift as much as I try not to be.

The fear sets in when I feel like I'm not progressing in comparison to my peers,seemingly successful strangers I read about online and social media and the strange self constructed barometer I benchmark myself against. The fear grows stronger when I feel like a shadow of former self.

It's getting a little too late for my fantastic little brain for working overtime.

Some thoughts to myself:
Be mindful. Be humble. Be confident.

A little respect

May I say whatever I'm feeling right may be driven by a combination of crazy, raging hormones ( screw you, pms!), pride and a sprinkle of anxiety and angst? Hell, i think i am losing all my humour.

I've been the receipt of several well-meaning but rather insensitive remarks from friends.

It made me feel disrespected in more ways than one, those name callings.

There's nothing wrong with being a housewife, a tai tai, or lady of leisure. 

I have the utmost respect for people who has made a personal choice to be just that. 

I may even make the same choice some time down the road of life ( sounding way like Alice in Wonderland except my name isn't Alice and I'm sure that I'll be scared shit less by a talking rabbit or cat). Just not now.

It's just that, at this point of time, I'm taking a break from work ( a sabbatical, if you will) to get my body back in shape, to think and strategize my next step  in life ( admittedly, i haven't gotten to that constructive thinking much but i think I'm getting there with this post).  

It wasn't an easy choice to make. It still isn't.

My choice is to take break from work but not become a housewife. Realise the difference?

And it doesn't help that you have friends who unwittingly made light of the situation even they actually do know some bits and pieces of background story. 

It saddens me. Frustrates me.

I'm not sure how many people actually reads this blog but friends and foes alike,

Do not call me a housewife or ask me about my so-called 'tai tai's' life everytime we meet or speak ( it gets old and I get irritated). Or how you are envious that I can sleep late while you have to slog like a horse.

It would be nice if you ask me how I am. How's my studies? Or recommend some books or readings you think may be helpful in this transition? Or we can just have coffee, crack silly jokes and laugh like crazy hyenas. 

                                                 *                      *                     *

Have you ever wanted to comfort someone so much that you ended up saying something that they might just hate to hear the most? 

It's ironic and unfortunate that we often end up saying the wrong things with the best intentions to people we care about the most.

I'm probably guilty of it. More times than I've realised.

                                                  *                        *                      *

It isn't an easy choice.

But I will show you that it is the best choice I've ever made in my life ( aside from marrying my husband);.

Perhaps, the choice you hope you've made. ( Fuck, did I just sound vindictive?).

Wait, are we already in the month of April?

March has been a whirlwind of a month. Well, calling it a fierce unrelenting tornado would be an understatement. Unsurprisingly, I was too caught up in this exhausting mishmash of emotions, decisions and emotions to reflect and pen down my thoughts properly.

Change is in the air but I've never expected it to be served on a big plate of office drama. It is like consciously living with a increasingly clogged artery and then one fine day, the heart attack happened. I was apprehensive to use ' workplace bullying' as it may come across like I'm victimizing myself for my own benefit ( which I honestly doubt there is any ).

Those who were close to me knew that I wasn't happy at work. The work I do have become uninspiring at best though I do take pride in completing even the most menial task the best I can. Even when the pressure and stress which come along with  juggling studies and work sets in, I never wanted to give up.

I refuse to be a victim. And it is what it is.

Fortunately, I've had blessings and encouragement from the hubby to do what I needed to do ( yes, counting my lucky stars for him!) for I would never be empowered enough to stand up for myself this way otherwise.

Perhaps, one can say that this chain of events is one blessing in disguise. Already, I feel myself changing slowly but surely. This chapter of my life is determined to teach me some important lessons before it ends.

It's strange...

how I always seem to turn back to this little space of mine when life becomes a little more difficult to bear. Looming depression always fires my propensity to write.

There are the good things to be grateful for, things which brings me great joy and happiness. And there are not so good things in life which me forget about the good things sometimes.

 I am at this place which is dark yet full of light. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel and all the efforts to stay afloat in midst of the deafening inner voices and pressures seem to render me paralysed. 

I don't see the glass half full or half empty. I can't think anymore. A glass is just a glass. 

There is this emptiness inside me which i cannot fill. An emptiness which I cannot exactly pinpoint

Your time is not now. The time is not now. Your time is not now. My inner voice says.

How long do I have to wait? What do I have to do? Why am I not measuring up to others, to the person I think I am and the things I am capable of ?

Why do I have to wait? Why can't it be now?

We all have struggles. We are all only human.

What is it that I'm running away from? I can't know for sure. And why the fuck am I feeling so little and so insecure?

I am angry with myself. It's so hard to juggle work and my MBA even though nothing is really going well in my ( or rather the lack of) career. I'm paying through my nose for the course yet I'm procrastinating on my readings and assignments. - Why am I running away from what I've signed up for? Hello?? Where is the joy which I seem to get from learning not too long ago?

Logically, I know shopping and acquiring new and shiny things will not help me feel better. The emptiness usually feels even more hollow with the post-shopping therapy guilt. I still do it anyway.

I am disappointed with myself. What are my dreams and where have they gone? I don't know.

I'm battling with no end in sight. 

I can only tell myself. Take one step at a time. Don't be afraid. Don't compare to others. Your time will come.

My time will come.

A short post to get some things off my chest...

I dislike being overlooked and thrown into something like an afterthought. Nobody does.
I see how this manifests into occasional little episodes at work and I don't like it. This is something I'm aware of and have brushed it off because that 'something' doesn't come along that often. And really, I couldn't care less as I  see the job as a temporary  incubator where I grow my wings and await for an opportunity to fly.

However, it makes me wonder if failing to act on this will affect me negatively career and personal development wise. I generally subscribe to the Art of War teaching, ' Choosing battle to fight' which has its merits and obvious flaws.

As it goes, I am away from the Month of October quite a bit which explains I'm still pretty upbeat and carefree ( hopefully not careless) at work. The challenge will come in November ( my birthday month!) and December.

I'm still struggling to find my balance and focus.