A spade Queen

Last Thursday evening, I had a mini, mini breakdown and fainted. - Well, the fainting episode is too much even for me , your trusty residential drama queen.


What started off as a prick on the mole hill ended up in an avalanche of unrelentingly stifling raw white-hot emotions, burning off the emotional vacuum I've been living in a while.

I felt helpless like that, mortified and taken aback by the magnitude of my emotions.
The magnitude of my fears, my unhappiness, my unworthiness.

Fear feeds on unhappiness. Unhappiness consumes all humans.
And, I, I am only human.

Why open the Pandora's box?

It's like wrapping fire with paper, scorching my bare skin as the flame seeks to escape. Never push me.

The fire which never brings light is gratuitous.
It never burns but torments with its taunts and stings,
questioning your sanity, prodding at your fears.

It's hard to talk about it. I can barely close the lid on the can of worms.

I'm not playing the role of a victim. I love the victorious heady rush of a winner too much for that.

I know I have much to be grateful for and I am thankful for it.

I just want to call a spade a spade. If I'm not happy, I am not happy.
That doesn't mean I want to rush to the nearest soup kitchen, begging for hand outs.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to fight.

Who are you to judge me for that? Too painful, too raw.

These emotions, too painful, too raw.


Recognizing that I'm lost may very well put me one step closer to being found.

random

Weathered Souls, the Wind will blow.
Scalded fingers, warm water shall flow.

I, wrapped among the foolish,
wrapped within the wound,
know that the fool I am,
is the one I chose.

Broken wands, dear wishes will go.
Tender thorns, your laughter shall show.

The dull drone

Uninspired,lackluster,unmotivated.

The lack of vitality, vigor and energy to rise up to challenge.

Challenges come in different forms. Some come as stepping stones while others appear to be stumbling block.

Some seem more, more, meaningful and noble than the others. While others just seem too mundane, too plain for effort.

Perhaps, the everyday challenge of battling the mundane and too familiar circuit track of the rat race is the most difficult lesson of all.

More so than battling, warring against the unknown, perhaps less rewarding to the ego and pride is the triumph over the dull drone.