to shed some light about you, as a person.
Someone, anyone who don't have to be The genie in the bottle.
It can be anyone.
Anybody, indeed.
Yes, being the self-indulgent and quietly narcissistic person I am.
The protagonist whose light has been shed upon , is unsurprisingly,
* shines spotlight vigorously*, I.
Well, as all drama mama stories go, I had this MSN conversation with a colleague
on a dark, stormy afternoon. Make it this afternoon.
A snippet of the conversation goes like this:
A: Do you rollerblade?
Me: yar, but I'm lousy lousy lousy.
Me: damn lousy, but( roller-blading) quite fun la.
Then A asked The question of the day:
Do you have low self-esteem?
And went on about how I seem to be always putting myself down.
I was altogether indignant,amused and mildly taken back.
Though, I sort of saw this question coming.
But that would be another story.
By the way, if you happen to be A and reading this. I'm not in
any way pissed or angry :)
Now, I personally think that I've moderately high self esteem.
( And i don't really care what you think, unless I'm going to marry you. You here means, the general public/audience/whoever's reading this :))
Of course, there are fears. And there are insecurities.
Like everyone else. I am, but a human after all.
It's how you ( I, in this case) deal with it.
You may wonder ( if you don't, at least pretend to) if I do not have low self esteem,how on earth A inspired me to write this thought provoking post.
Behold, I've a confession to make.
I have this nasty habit of playing dumb/pretending to be stupid/ humbling or downplaying myself in front of others. Sub-consciously, or otherwise.
Before I go on any further, I must emphasize that the fact that I don't openly proclaim that I'm a know-it-all, doesn't mean that I'm playing the dumb-ass all the time. And that doesn't mean that I'm less genuine, or more deceitful that the person next to me.
In fact, if you know me well enough,genuineness is a quality I greatly embrace.
Anyway, I would say the environment has allowed this habit thrive previously.
Perhaps, it's the traditional Chinese upbringing that I have. Or maybe, it's the people I mix around with. Let's just say that this habit of mine has gotten me through certain situations.
I had spoken to a dear friend, Jas about this.Being very candid and all, she told me that I was just trying to make everyone else comfortable by playing the clown/the mediocre fool. I had wondered if that was a good thing.
And i still do.
Because, I've realized that there are too people around who will take you
at face value. If you act like a dumb ass , you're a dumb ass.
You wouldn't get anywhere like that. Perhaps,just between me and you, I probably have an issue of balancing likability and my ability.
And also, I would also be attracting the wrong kind of people.
The friends that I keep ( or the friends who kept me :) ) are those
whom I've shown the very essence of me ( like Chicken's essence, less nonsense and more substance). The friends who come and go, I suppose we cannot connect
beyond a superficial level.
What I am saying here is, I don't have a problem with my self esteem
( My ego is damn big, I tell you. Bane of my life )
However, I need to quit this bad habit. The simple reason being I've been
quite sick and tired of being misunderstood and subdued, in more ways than one.
Seriously, I wonder if I make sense to you ( whoever you're).
The whole thing about this bad habit has been at the back of my head for a while now.
Funny, how a simple conversation brough it all up, and kept me pondering again.
I believe God has spoken,again.
I can be whatever I want to be, and still be kind and warm to everyone.
Without downplaying any single thing.
Takes practice, I know. So, to all, please be patient with me while I go cold turkey :)
Before I rush off to bed ( and pray that I will wake up on time later),
I just had to share this album. ( yes, enough of the procrastination).
This is my kind of music. Introspective, sweet, a little of rock, all without trying too hard.
I particularly like this track, 'Vienna'. Perfect for emo-days.
And this line of ' All At Once' strikes me the most :
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
With this, I'll say ' Good Night'.
