Strange Post

Do you know what your passion is? I don't know exactly what is mine,really.
Apparently, I'm not the only one. Do a search on Goggle and you will know what I mean.( Yes, I just did that myself.)

Aside from shopping,clothes, money and food, what do I think about these days? Not very much, I'm afraid. And the thought just disgusts me a little.

In fact, I can't really remember if I've done any thing meaningful since I started working.
I remember my days as a mentor were more fulfilling and dare I say, happy.

I have always carry this soft spot for charity work or community service. And it's evident from the activities I participate from high school right up to university days.

Am I losing myself a little, so self absorbed in my little world?

it's not like I'm not happy now or I don't have the time and effort for community work
I just need to know where to start.


The agenda may be selfish. Perhaps in helping others, I may have a better chance of finding myself.

The I don't know what I'm writing but Happy Boxing day Post

Something is telling me that I haven't been squeezing the lemons in my life.
Haven't been living my life to the fullest? Or is it just.like.that?

Not too sure if I'll prefer otherwise. Life's like that, isn't it? It's always green on the other side even if you know you already have enough to be happy about? Is that greed beckoning or is there really something really lacklustre... ( or rather the lack of anything at all)

I wonder if I have grown any wiser at all in the past year, in the past years. This year, it seems like I've written alot more blog posts, blatantly refusing to climb on the Twitter bandwagon. ( which is a great marketing tool btw, but just not me. I'm too.. long winded for that. The world won't die even if they get to know the shape of my poop in the morning. And I can show you that here if you want to :))


Many posts about the same themes, the same things. So alike that it seems like replicates from those years ago,replicates of each other.But surely, the last thing I want to do is to jinx myself.
You know what I mean, when things are going well you talk about it and BOOM! WHAMMIE! something happened and things don't go so well after that.

Alright, I don't feel exactly coherent right now. I had a eye infection for a Christmas present and thank you I paid for it. ( yes the specialist and all) haha.. of course I do have like other more note worthy presents - two year worth of Her world subscription( thanks to Mr R! I even won a juicer haha), the miu mius ( courtesy of the parents from Paris, well they came a month before Christmas.) and the lovely gifts from the girls.

Happy Boxing day!

Santa Santa Santa

I'm supposed to get ready for work, pronto.
Obviously, anything that comes after 'supposed' fails on me these days.

I wonder if I simply dread going to work or it's just the holiday festive season getting to me.
( And the fact that almost everyone around is on some kind of leave.)
This, of course, makes me sound like a very depressed kid.

What should I do?
There must be something I can do.
I hate sitting around waiting around waiting for answers.








Maybe, that's why I dread going to work.

the as-usual-nth-new post

I don't think I will be happier if I shop more but it does seem to alleviate a little the bubbling of negative emotions and perhaps motivate me a little?


I long to do something special, something out of the norm. To embark on something that carries more meaning than acquiring material goods.

Work-wise, I am experiencing some growing pains.-I'm not too sure when this will end. *cues fake laughter*

Perhaps this is just part of the journey of finding myself.....

one of those days....

.They say the mole just above my lips is what they called the ' ho jia kee'- which loosely translates to the mole which blesses the beholder with the fortune to eat/enjoy food. It is indeed a good thing, if you ignore my muffin top and those pesky little clumps of fats at my back.

At least, there's something to derive pleasure from.- Which is always a good thing in the most dreary of days.


I need to clear my head a little - i feel sad, disappointed ,frustrated and guilty for feeling all these things. I have much to be thankful for.

I want something more from Life but I don't know what exactly. I want to give but I don't want how either. Too afraid too much of a wimp.

I wanna go home... but I'm already at home.

I'm trying my best yet maybe not. I'm told not to be so hard on myself but that's not encoded in my genes , my personality.

I'm fucking disappointed that the so called 'discussion' took place in a bar and lasted about 2 sentences worth. Not so much with anyone but myself.

Ok fine i need to sleep, splitting headache. self fulfilling prophecy

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm feeling terribly frustrated and oppressed. In other words, i feel like shit.

If only I'm the sort who takes it easy or someone who wouldn't care less. If only.
I've asked to be less hard on myself, to give things some time. Maybe I should, if I could.

Working with people who has less acute sense of integrity than my dog Joey ( and may I add, questionable level of intelligence)sucks the life out of me. At the very least, i know my dog is genuine and quite smart indeed.

Whatever humour you may sense in this entry is purely self-sustenance.
Life is made better today because I had a good lunch with an ex-colleague and I took half day leave after.


Oh I'm ending this post one day later - I had one beer too many, Can't talk can't think. okthxbye

Dear Fairy God-mother

It's been a while since my last letter to you. With your fancy wand and magic mirror, you could have sneak a peek at me sometimes. Any time.

I have been very well, all thanks to your kindness and generosity. But please, do away with all your tsk-tsk and look of disgust as I lament about my lack of motivation or just plain sian-ness.

I'm not such a useless ingrate. I know how much you favour me this latter half of the year but I need some kind of direction, some kind of meaningful goal. I'm not the kind who goes on auto pilot and happily dwindle my life away. I fight to be better. You , of all people , should know how I am like.

I'm not dying or anything like that. But I want to be better. Be happier so that I can help people.
Do i make sense at all?


So, please before you pack your bags for your Christmas holidays, please show me a sign.
While you are at it, can you please top up my bank account with the loose change you have?

Always yours,
Lim ah Hwa

Rich Siblings..

I've been struggling to finish my books recently. And I've gotten into the habit of starting a new book before I finish the previous one. Ironically, it does seem to mirror what's going on in my life right now .

But that's another story for another day.

( Bear in mind the day might not come. haha , so morbid).

Imagine my delight ( along with relief and sense of accomplishment )when I finished the book which had been living at the bottom of bag for the past couple of weeks, slouched onthe seat outside the boarding gate.

(Credits to Amazon.com)

I have always been a fan of self improvement books. Sure, there are many gimmicky ones ( trust me, I've read a couple of them) out there but we all know those who looking for a quick fix should look elsewhere (drugs maybe?)

I like reading books of this genre because they usually make me think and reflect. Unlike what many people would like to think, self improvement books do not ' brain wash' you but instead provide a alternate perspective which may prove helpful. As much as there are merits in reading such self help book, I think we should always remain discerning while maintaining an open mind.

Most of us have probably heard of 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' and might even flipped through the book itself before. I have and I'm not a big fan. Now you may think, why on earth am I reading his book if I'm not a big fan?

Reason 1: The book attracted my attention- title, synopsis, layout. This guy ,apart from everything else, has great marketing skills.

Reason 2: The author is rich and he is talking about his journey to wealth AND happiness. Like it or not, being rich is always going to be one of my motivators.

That said, I've taken away a couple of lessons from his previous books (For instance, 'give what you would like to be given.').

Now back to the book, I must say stories from 'Rich Sister' were harder to relate to as she spoke more about her spiritual journey to becoming a monk. It does not really help that her writing style is kind of blah. In fact , the book was kind of blah blah blah (which was why it was banished to the bottom of my bag!) till I came to this:

"Some people go shopping to relieve their pain.Money is their drug. The more money they have, the more they shop.." - ha! Was he talking about me? I don't have pain per se but i sure shop like I do. Plenty of food for thought.

Also, the book questions religion - the same questions I have asked when I was taking the RCIA classes. Even till now, I never really could understand why seemingly 'religious' people turns out to be not very nice people after all.

Ok my short attention span does not allow me to continue much more - This is not a fantastic book but it may have something that makes you change perpective for a while.

I had a dream last night...

that I sent a resignation letter to my boss on impulse, only to realise that I didn't want to quit at all. It's like watered down version of a horror film. But oh-so -scary.

In the dream, I was panicking at the prospect of no paychecks, no impromptu work trips and the autonomy at work ( well sort of true in reality, but people just expects you to know everything haha)

anyway i have hot yoga at 12 30pm so i better get my butt off now. I MEAN NOW.

Random poo poo

So basically, it has come to the end of my one week break... and I'm uber upset about it :(

OK maybe upset is too strong a word, just sian of getting back the groove of things.
Bleah, and of course the brewing political confusion which I hope I will not get my hands dirty in
( well, I already did - considering I unwittingly walked into this power charade that is going on. And the fact that I am new and naive ( sort of) has well been manipulated of.)

Oh well, i hope Santa's going to chase all this shit away. He has been kind enough for the wonderful trip and lovely company to bkk ( many thanks to Mr S), even though I probably busted my budget for this month and most probably the next as well.

I.need. to. stop.shopping.Start.saving.pronto.

Trust me. Watch me. I can do it.

My parents have left for their milan/France trip and I'll be home alone :S

Thoroughly random, but i think I have some firsts this year and I'm quite glad about it.
It's all conquering fear and managing possibilities.

You know, I wonder if we all get a little more materialistic, a wee bit more selfish and way less contented as we age? It's like the competitive gene in us just gets more dominant as we grow older and our ability to complicate things seems to increase proportionately with our age.


Job.Bag.Shoe.House.Man.Woman. Car. haha, everything. I used to think I'm above all that, with the teeny wee bit of hippie in me. No, I am selfish, stupid and greedy, just like everybody else.

ButI guess I'm luckier ( or not ??) that i have a wee bit of self awareness some sort of a moral compass hahaha...

It's bullshit when they say everyone is special and unique. I mean, it's not so much the statement doesnt hold any truth that it is an oxymoron.

If everyone is special AND unique. Then, everyone is like everyone else.
Geddiiiiiit?

Ooops I did it again!

Trader's Hotel. Hokkaido ramen.Blueberries from Isetan ( brilliantly sweet!). Lancel bag ( uh-oh).



But i believe in love at first sight. And I am really liking the fact I'm staying true to myself..



Haha. I shouldn't left alone, really. Coherence and self control fail me sometimes.

Alright i need to check out of the hotel soon. okthxbyeeeeeeeee....

I'm not really feeling it today...

I feel.... lacklustre today.

I'm not feeling the Tanglin Flea later, KL work trip tomorrow , even my bangkok trip ( leisure at last!) early next week. Everything just feels very ho-hummmm...


You know, I feel fat even when I'm sleeping. That's sucky isn't is?
And I feel a little disoriented in a very general sense, you see. I don't really know why.

Maybe it's because I secretly always think that I am meant for something great but I'm still getting there.Or maybe, it's because I couldn't fit in a dress that I really like yesterday.

Life feels paper-thin.

No, I'm not complaining. I couldn't ask for more, really.
Perhaps, I just need a little time alone without having to please anyone but myself.

I can be such a sucker sometimes. So eager to please, it becomes difficult for me to be confrontational. To talk about issues, to just let it out how fucking upset I am about certain things with certain people.

No, oh no. I can be such a diplomatic person sometimes you will happily roll your eyes at me.
But no, I have such keen sense of righteousness, of black and white that it may one day be
my Achilles heel.

I'm watching you, all of you and myself.

And please, you ( whoever you may be) are free to judge but please do not claim to know me.

I'm pretty good at reading people but I can't claim to know them. In fact, more than not, I can read and know a little more than I let on. People tend to tell me stuff.

Ha, you are wrong if you think I'm saying all this to make myself feel good?

I feel torn sometimes, knowing so much.
The silly,naive me prefers to think the better of people. -Another Achilles heel?

Life is paper-thin, indeed.

Happy Birthday to MEEEEE!!

One Birthday, three days of consecutive celebrations and many more well wishes.
For that, I am extremely thankful.

I think I am in a much better place than last year. I could not have asked for more.
Aside from my porky face, that is.

It's been a while since I updated, I've been busy and then some.
Upheavals of some sorts , the battle of wits and deceit at work. It is not going down easy for me not only because I am not a confrontational, political kind of person.

But I do not appreciate being lied to, being sucked into little stupid mindless political games.
It's funny, even amusing how often I am being underestimated. I think someone might be realising his mistake of doing so . I like to be in the open and I do not play games.

Oh gawd, this is supposed to be a sunny happy post about my birthday.
But that's how I like to be - I enjoy the challenges that are coming my way.

I will overcome them, one by one. I can and I will.
In the righteous way like the good always triumphs over evil.
That will be my perfect birthday present, every single year.

And it shall be.

Happy Birthday, Jane Lim!
Here's to many many many years of good fun, love, peace and laughter!! And not forget, $$$$!

HUAT AH!!!!!

September

It's been all good and I'm really thankful for all of these...

There are a couple of firsts this month with my first work trip overseas and having a hellavu good time at the F1 last night ( Thanks Jill for the lo-bang)!

My years of translating English to my mum ( She's taiwanese!) , being effectively bilingual and erm mugging for Higher Chinese in Primary school( well Alright, I didnt mug per se but at least i attended those extra lessons!) finally came to good use. And oh boy, am i grateful for it :)

Just to 'archive' my experience because you know, I'm not too good with pictures and what nots. Well I think I was professional enough not to take pictures during business lunches and what nots ( even though someone ( not my boss of course) actually suggested but I think i had more sense)

shang ri laaaaaa was fantastic ( I know i sound damn sua-ku but hell I never paid more than 300 bucks for a room with my own money in my lifetime!) though the housekeeping staff probably hated me very much. I can terribly messy, especially left alone. Breakfast was yummy but a tad embarassing when you are stuffing your face with eggs and pancakes when you are dinning with your bosses. ( Erm, i hope they'll think I'm a genuine young lady with a healthy appetite. What's not to like).


All I can say the work trip truly open up my tiny little eyes and worried the socks off my parents because of the raging typhoon.

Thank you Lord for this opportunity.
Thank you everyone for their concern over my well being. I'm back, safe and sound.

I went to F1 really to see Daughtry but also caught the very flamboyant very gay Adam Lambert. Both are talented though only one of them's straight. Not to forget, the crazy racing cars and the simple rule of not having beer on an empty stomach.

if anyone knows of any good chinese physician, please let me know!...

Cock and Bull

I think I can be quite cock sometimes.

I cannot walk away from an old man selling tissues at the sidewalk yet I can't help obessessing over bags (read: obsessed doesn't mean buy, if you want to be precise) and clothes for that matter. It may be true that I donate more than the regular joe ( and I dont mean sending clothes to Salvation army.)

No wonder I am always broke.

I have a kind but greedy heart, to say the least. I like the kind, generous person that I am but cannot fathom why I am not above acquiring material goods. That's why I said I can be quite cock sometimes.

Especially now, I'm supposed to get ready for work!

Gender Inequality - May I help you mdm?

It's no big deal but of course if you know me, I am lying through my big yellow teeth.

Someone called my office this afternoon and we spoke. He spoke in a phony accent and I spoke normally. ( We often received cold calls from random companies.)

He thought I was the receptionist. And oh boy, I was feeling all the indignance the world was feeling at the moment. I have absolutely nothing against all the receptionists in the world.

No, I am not the receptionist unfortunately, I deadpanned.
He, after realising his mistake, apologized profusely and asked my position in the company. ( Ya lar, I am the assistant pantry aunty lar.. SHooo Sorry dullo how to shrrr-lang rike ai ANG MO who lost his pants in chinatown !)

Strangely, I am more amused than pissed. Am I a receptionist as much as I am a secretary, just because I sound and am indeed a female? Or is my lack of a phony accent make me sound less... worldly, sophiscated and intelligent?

Dream dream dream

I had a dream last night, maybe early this morning to be specific.

I dreamt that I flunked an important paper which I had high hopes for. It was so vivid that I can remember the red pen marks and the crosses, almost painfully etched across the wretched papers. The teacher in the dream commented with an air of disgust, that my handwriting was too messy to be read and marked.

I hope this does not mirror into reality in any way. I have high expectations to match up to. And I will and I must.

I had another dream right after. I was to teach my favourite class in the same school which I did my relief teach stint at. In the dream, I was full of energy and confidence that I would excel but was deeply disappointed at the chaotic response the class gave.

Nevermind that those kids in my favourite classes are already in their very early twenties. The dream is still disturbing and I wonder why my anxiety under my subconscious only bites in the night. It's strange.

Perhaps, there is very positive correlation between my level of anxiety/stress( if you will) and my spending prowess. I'm not really feeling the heat yet but it seems like it still got to me in the end.

I CAN. I WILL. I AM.

Despite my extraordinary ( and unsettling ) ability to drive myself crazy and the knowledge I have indeed thousand of miles to catch up ( yay. I love LONG sentences), I am prepared to stay focused and give my all. Perhaps it is refreshing for you people to look up and see the sparkle in my eyes.

Well, the most ironic thing is that I still do feel retarded and stupid when circumstances never fail to highlight my inadequacy in terms of market and technical knowledge. And of course, my innate tendency to be careless and what nots. But it is okay, I will overcome it.

I am overcoming it.

As I told ( okay maybe whined) to my best friend yesterday afternoon ( in the midst of feeling stupid and frustrated), I have 15 days of experience ( if you discount the weekends and public holidays) while I have to work with ( and meet up the expectations of) people who has 15 years of experiences and counting.

All I want to say is , to myself especially and specifically, go for it. JIA YOU!

JANE LIM, DO IT LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE!!
GO GO GO!! Don't put yourself down and learn from your mistakes.

JANE LIM, YOU CAN AND YOU WILL!
GO GO GO!
JUST DO IT!
g

The Ah-Go-Go Ant

You know what, I'll admit that I am wrong.
For one, I am not in a rat race. Saying that I'm in the rat race is big fat joke.

For goodness sake (joy, peace and laughter), you will know what I mean if you take public transport during peak hours. Ants. Swarms of them jostling for an addition millimetre of space in the train ( we all know how the land is a prized commodity over here) and another gulp of ( not so fresh) air up on the escalator.

Hilarious. Ants.
We are ants. I am an ant.
So, technically speaking, I am in the ant race. Whee!
I have neither feelers nor 6 legs and I am claustrophobic. Yet, I am an ant.

Despite the epiphany that I am an ant, things have been looking up for me:)
Work-wise, I know I have loads to catch up and much to prove ( I'm the youngest and the only female in the Singapore office. In fact, I maybe the youngest and most inexperienced in the company) The learning curve is steep but I am enjoying the challenge so far. I just need more direction and perhaps a little more guidance on what to learn ( both market and technical knowledge) for I believe I will excel in what I do.

God bless my boss for taking a chance on me. I know I sound like a stray cat which my boss picked up along the way but I do feel this way, however nonsensical it sounds.

Today, I received one of the best compliments ever. Even though it was delivered sort of off handedly and I almost mistook the meaning of it initially. It's a personal milestone in a way.
That's one of the best things someone can shower on me ( that shows how often I get this sort of compliments:P). Unknown to the bestower ( is there such a word), these words will continue to spur me on and do my very best ,if only to prove that he is indeed right.

Thank you to the Higher-ups for the blessing. I will not disappoint.

Pep Talk!

I feel like a kid all over again, what with the back-to-school ( work) jitters.
It is kind of scary and embarrassing, especially I am sitting on the wrong side of 25 ( I know, I have been saying the same old stuff. You get the gist, I am getting old) complete with boobs and emotional baggage.

The new game is just about to begin. I am going to take the first step tomorrow.
Scared stiff and I am unabashed about it. Talking about my fear out loud, in a funny sort of way, cement my determination and drive to overcome all odds. Makes Fear sound like some tangible sort of waste paper which I can crush and dump into the bin. That way, it does seem like I am scaring Fear away. Like I am in control.

Thank you Lord for this opportunity you have given me.
I will suck it in ( my fear, my insecurities and my flabby tummy) and do my best.
Please continue to watch over me.


JANE LIM! STAND TALL AND STAND STRONG!
YOU WILL ACHIEVE WHAT YOU SET TO DO!
YOU CAN AND YOU BLOODY HELL WILL!

All things Pretty

I have a love-hate relationship with shopping.

The acquisition of all things pretty, along with the power and adrenaline rush which come as a cool gift with purchase, usually send shivers down the bottom of my spine ( which continues right after i receive my credit card bill).

I have never denied my neurotic obession with control. I need ferevently and desperately need to be in control, in every single aspect of my life. It is no wonder I regularly beat myself up ( not literally lar, not that psycho.But close...) when I feel something in my life is spiralling out of my control. Hence, it is not surprising that my shopping tendencies may be due to or at least strongly encouraged by my control-or-die-trying complex. You know, ' I can. Therefore, I will."
(Okie, alright maybe you don't.)

Well, I am lying when I said I have a love-hate relationship with shopping. It is always love because I only buy things that I love ( It's just a pity that I 'LOVE' too many things). The hate part only comes in the form of a guilt trip after I spend like I'm possessed. .

I vividly remember a period of time when I possess more...self control. Yes, the irony of all things. Even though I usually spend within my means ( I am not in any debts or whatsoever), I do realise my spending habits do stand in the way of my saving schemes. Of course, this epiphany of mine only struck when I was confronted with my dwindling account.

You see, the thing about me is that I have rather high level of awareness - I am constantly aware of my surroundings and myself. That shouldn't be surprising, coming from a control freak like yours truly. I know very well what my flaws are but sometimes it takes superhero kind of strength to over those flaws. Shopping is potentially my achilles heel. ( amongst other things la, I am after all human mah!)

Furthermore, I do think my love for shopping is at odds with my interest towards community service and giving back to society ( by that, I don't mean contributing to the GDP of our economy through shopping). How can I spend my money in such frivolous way when I am know there are people who are much less privelleged than I am?

Indeed, I have been lazy. The so called community service I do these days involves a monthly contribution of NHF and the occasional donations to bustlers and aunties selling tissue papers. Honestly, I am ashamed because I have not given what I can give. Sometimes, I get so long in the acquisition of physical things I forgot how important it is for me to give. Again, I am not trying to paint myself as some long suffering saint. No, I am not.

I know how much more I will receive when I give my all to help others. The fulfillment, the happiness , satisfaction and the gratitude will multiply just like that. I am writing this down to remind myself to do more rather than think more.

Plans I will execute for the year 2010:

> Join the POSB Run for Kids 2010 - Please join me as well! Just fun run not competitive run!
Here for more details:

http://www.dbs.com/posb/runforkids/default.aspx

>Organise a Macdonald's party for Jamiyah's Children home - Hopefully in september, once I settle into my new job and start receiving income again.

> This is tentative. I am toying the idea of becoming a wish granter with Make a wish foundation. ( Please encourage me people. :) I don't want to just toy with the idea).


hmmmm on hindsight, I think I can still aspire to be a Prada toting Community Service enthusiast after all ! I am sure I can find the middle ground :D

Waiting to Win!

My life is a waiting game.

Like all players in the arena, I am playing to win.

Give Thanks!

Call me petty, narrow-minded , or stick in the mud. I remember friends and foes alike, deep in that elephant-like memory of mine. Yes, I am intense and scary like that. And yes, I will prefer to be a gold fish sometimes, with its huge bulging eyes no less.

I know I sound like a mad woman in the past few posts, snaring and thrashing in the kind of neurotic angst which may look unbecoming on someone who is sitting at the wrong side of 25.
Despite my constant laments and depressing expressions, I am capable of wit, cheerfulness and good old kindness. So, there is no reason I am going to grow into an old, bitter and lonely spinster. Bitterness, except in pork rib and bittergourd fried in black bean sauce, is the pathetic mother of sadness.

If you know me for some time, you must have realised that I am a worry wart. This means that I have a tendency to over-think, over-analyse myself to death. You see, I sometimes like a very dark life.The reason why I am still alive today is because those in my tight inner circle - my family, my good friends and my long suffering boyfriend, and partly because I am quite kia see :P

I'm getting a little impatient here because I want to read some frivolous magazine right now.

I just want reiterate the fact that I am pretty astute in reading people's intentions.

I have met some good people who has helped me along the way :

2 ex-ex colleagues who sent me contacts/references after my position was made redundant last year. I'm not even especially close to them. Not to mention those lovely messages of encouragement and comfort from all over :)

An ex colleague who generously shared with me his contacts and lobangs, even if he is actively job hunting as well.

For all of this and so much more, thank you!

I don't live life the way you play Monopoly. I don't collect favours like I collect " Get out of Jail for Free'. Aiyah... basically I am very simple. If you are nice to me, I am nice to you.

All I ever need ( note that I didn't use ' expect') is a healthy dose of sincerity and friendship.
I think I can be a very good friend when i want to.

Oh dear, do I sound I am emotionally black mailing anyone in particular??!!
Hmmmm... back to frivolous magazine! I am looking forward to random text messages asking for job contacts and work lobangs!

Now, I have been feeling very touchy about some things. Well, very much the same things I have spoken about in my previous post. Thinking of it makes me feel nauseous.

I've said it before and I will say it again.

If you have been checking on me ( in whatever ways you can think of) solely for the below reasons:

1. Benchmarking your life relative to mine - I understand it's human nature but that is pathetic.

2. How and where did I get those job offers, especially the one from very established, coveted and hotshot investment bank. - It is not the question I have problems with, I am very happy to help. It is the frequency of the questions being asked in a manner thinly and carelessly cloaked with flippant concern - which I inevitably labelled as ' Fake'. You don't really care whether I am doing well or not, I just have to provide what you need to get on with your life.

Then good luck.

I am not stupid and definitely not blind. It is easy to see who are the ones that are sincere and truly care about me , and those who just want to get something out of lim-peh ( who incidentally never offered me any sort of help or comfort when i need it.)

It is truly disheartening to realise that the text messages I have been receiving eventually ( and very quickly) led to the above point 2. I am sick and tired of these messages, people. It just does not feel good.

It just scares me, more than anything else.

Good Luck World

I know how some of us are curious, even worried about how I have been doing.
Yes, bumming around and enjoying life.

Then what? What's the next step? Have I clinch a coveted position and hence removing myself from the stigma of being unemployed ( I know the word 'unemployed' makes you squirm, but that's the way it is. It is simply a consequence, a by product of my choice)?

Yes and No. But if you think I reveal my whole heart and soul about what's going on behind the scene, then I'm sorry. I prefer not to indulge you. I am mean like that.

Or maybe it's just my hormones talking. If it pleases you, rest assure that I'm in a pretty good position despite my lamenting and what nots.

I know my mean genes are working overtime right now so i prefer to keep my big mouth shut.

By the way, please think about it and decide whether you are genuinely concerned about me, just plain old kay-poh or just using me as a benchmark to check how you yourself have been progressing in this rat race.

If it is the latter the reason why you're squirming ( yet again) under your collar, good luck.

Runaway Kid!

I just want to run away right now.
Don't ask me why.

It is terrible, isn't it? To realise that the person that you are fighting so hard against is yourself.

I am my only and worst enemy.

Just so you know, I hate it when people ( I don't know who, but people in general) happily ( or otherwise, I don't know either!) label me as being 'emo'. It makes me feel stupid. And noone likes feeling stupid. ( especially so for the tender,vulnerable ego of mine) If you think I am just being 'emo', you don't know me at all. You don't know anything.

It's so strange how a peace loving, diplomatic person that I occasionally am, enjoys being politically incorrect most of the time. I just want to stay true to myself.

I'm the kind of person who will rip my wounds open to show you how I am hurting inside. Because it. does. hurt. And because I want to.It doesn't make sense for me to hide.

But it's not easy. In my earnest bid to stay true to myself, I fight so damn hard only to realise that the person I have been fighting is myself.

It's all too deep for tonight, I don't expect anyone to understand.
I'm not in the mood for humour and wit. I shall wallow and be a Emo hippo.

Thank you , World.

Shop, Scrimp and Save

For those who have known me for a more than a little while, you will know that I possess a certain affinity for compulsive shopping. Even if I am not of the Olympian calibre, I may very well be a strong contender for the much coveted ( haha!) title of 'Hougang Shopping Queen'.

( However, I hasten to add that I do personally know at least one other person who will pose as a strong (er) competitor in the larger neighbourhood of Hougang ( Kovan, madam ?) I may be murdered by this person when she sees this post! haha! So perhaps, I shall content myself as the 'Royal Shopaholic of Lorong Batawi.')

The thing is, I am not always like that. ( I know I sound really defensive in that sentence.) Sure, I do like pretty things and always wanted to look nice and erm stylish( even though 'nice' and 'stylish' is subjective) as well.

But I was a tom boy for most part of my teen hood - I had short hair. Loud Hawaiian Shirts, baggy Fubu jeans and Khakis were my kind of cool. In fact, I used to sneer at those Ah Lians ,their sartorial choices ( Giordano windbreakers and black bra , anyone?Memories , people, Memories) and their general lack of intellect ( I'm sure there were smart Ah Lians around. I just wasn't lucky enough to meet one:) I mean I will totally join a facebook group called Smart Ah Lians Unite! if it actually exists. Really.) Well, I really prided myself as being unique and thought of myself as a great cool person.


Even right up to the last year of University, I never really cared about make up or how i really looked relative to the other long haired, petite, demure and pretty girls in school. However, I was often in distress because of my apparent skin problems. I freted, whined and seeked help, but that's another story for another day. I bought clothes which I thought was nice, nothing too expensive of course because my mum wouldn't be very happy about it and I hadn't developed a habit of buying expensive things back then.

Also, I though what was within me was more important than what was on the surface of I.

I suppose things do come around in circles, both good and bad. Growing up as a little girl, I was dressed in the most dainty of dresses and my hair adorned with the cutest hair bows. Everyone thought I was this cute Japanese child and I suspect my mum ( The fact that my mum is a Taiwanese does not make me look less Singaporean, I suppose.) was secretly gleeful about it.

So, at this point of my life, I am back to looking more femine and well groomed amongst other things. I like the way I look most of times but less than enthusiastic on how people perceive me because of the way I look ( ok, i admit this sentence is quite a mouthful!) - demure, gentle and soft spoken. Go ahead, drink some water and choke! I prefer adjectives like strong, intelligent, confident and outspoken to be used on me. I am anal, like that.

I do realise I am digressing. Well, as I was saying, I was still quite prudent in my spending when I first started working. But somehow, I started to overcompensate myself when I was working in terrible shifts(money was good though) and was not too happy about it.Discovering online shopping was my downfall, really.

Today, I am recovering shopaholic who is determined to say most of my next paycheck ( which is not that soon, unfortunately.). I knew it was important to save but didn't realise how much I could save if I were to be more careful with my spending habits. I am guilty of neglecting to save and invest , and I am determined to save.

Needless to say, I am trying darn hard to curb my shopping tendencies which is not easy. I still give into temptations but I am holding my fort pretty well.

Good night in the noon...

I can be such a terrible person sometimes.

I need a little bit more faith.

I have to stop slipping away,

spiralling down to Land of No-Return,

somewhere no one can ever reach me.


You know some days, you just have a nagging suspicion that you are not good enough for anyone or anything?

Yes, I am having one of these days. Don't worry I am not going to destroy myself, but hell the thought does sound enticing today.

Good night and good night, my friends.

All of you. Just. Go. Away.

Hey You!

I have things to say, many things to clarify.

I hate explaining myself but somehow, I always find a need to. People can be so presumptuous, so eager to help, so self contained that they forget they are not me. They don't know me the way i know myself.

They only know the side of me which I chose to divulge, when I deem fit. They only know what I tell them, not what they see. For they can't, for all the divinity and celestial power they think they may have in their mortal bodies, they cannot see what is happening within me.

My choice is mine to make. I know I may seem I'm falling in a million pieces, in thousand and one directions. I may be lost on shaky grounds but I am darn sure I figure it out.

I will emerge victorious. I will make sure of that.


Perhaps I brought it upon myself by complaining and lamenting about how lost I have been feeling and the choices I will need to make, and the so called unimportant stuff I am made to do or will be doing ( I know I always call it sai gang but you know, not everyone can do sai gang well. ). I may have created an impression that I am indeed going to do sai gang all my live, all thanks to my ability to f*ck my life upside down.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeves but if you know me, my emotions and my insights are often magnified. When I am happy, I am very happy. Likewise when I feel down, it does seem like the whole world is shattering.

My friends will know how indecisive I can be during shopping escapades and what nots. I think too much, take too many things into consideration. I do, like everyone else, get affected what people say and think. But these are usually trivial things.

At the end of the day, I will never regret my decisions. Things I have done so far, for all the laments and profanities I might have spout , I stand by them. I understand that my decisions may not be the most sound, the most viable which is why I take so darn long to decide.


Don't ask me to sleep on it. Or not think too much, please. You know it is almost impossible to do so when you have a nagging worry, consequence of which will affect your future. You have been there, haven't you? It's like having piles i suppose, not that I am assuming you have them.

Don't give me the bullshit about taking time to think about what I want. Damn I think too much. I pray every single day for an answer, for a sign. The thing about Life is that you don't get things done, simply by sleeping/sitting/shitting on it. I have seen myself paralysed with fear, unable to move forward , hoping things may just fall into their places. Life took a good long look at me, yawned, and stopped moving altogether. So no, don't tell me to think.

Another thing I have realised about people is the tendency to discourage action or encourage inaction, all in the noble name of trying to help, trying to be a friend. Someone who does that to you is no friend, my friends. Paralysed by their own fear to move on, these people will warn, cajole, persuade, advise you to stick to the comfort zone.

They have this insane need for more people to be on their side, to assure them their decision to stay within this warm fuzzy comfort zone is the right one. And of course, they may also be driven by the fear of you being more successful than them once you venture out and beyond.

I've seen these people dishing out advices to me. I've seen these people and I tell you it's indeed unnerving. These are nice people, people whom you think are essentially good. People who will turn aghast at this idea of them not being so Nice after all.

But everyone has their own agendas, their own ulterior motives. Most of the times, I think I'm pretty perceptive, pretty good at reading their agendas. I just pretend that I don't, I'm just discreet.If you think I am talking about you ( honestly I am not dedicating this post to anyone in particular), I probably am.

Yes, I am not too good a person either. I am selfish, self absorbed, crazy sometimes competitive in ways that i can't fathom. Contrary to what most people think, I am ambitious. While there is no need to conquer the world, I want to be recognized as being good at what I choose to do.

Let me reinterate my point - I know what I am doing.
You know what I am darn good at?

Climbing up when I fall.

Oh by the way, if you have ' been there done there' and become really contented and successful person, I really would appreciate a chance to speak to you.

Conformist vs Non- Conformist

Rich and I had a debate recently. I asked him whether if he thought that I am conformist or otherwise. A conformist, he said almost immediately. The answer didn't come as a suprise, especially the fore mentioned question was asked after I requested him to not go against the traffic in the car park.

However, being the anal all knowing bitch I sometimes am, this answer is evidently not a good one.

How can I NOT be non-conformist? , I insisted in my usual challenging yet cajoling manner.

The thing about me is that I am sucker for rules. I don't like rules per se but I'm what you called a stick in the mud ( whatever that means.) - rules and instructions are meant to be followed. I won't go right when the sigh board asks to go right. I stand at one side of the escalator and I usually follow instruction manual to a tee. That's how I am, I guess I just need a little structure to function in my life.

But. I. am. not. a. conformist. Some example to explain my case :

1. I chose to be enrolled in Catholic Junior College . I chose to enter CJC, in all my naivety and enthusiasm to look for an all rounded education and not because my grades were lacklustre. I scored 11 points for prelims and finally 13 points for O levels.

Not fantastic grades but I suppose I could have gone to a better school in terms of academic performances and moral reputation. ( Contrary to what most people think, not all CJC students have terrible grades. In fact, I know many 9 pointers in my cohort. As for the rumour about the school having the highest abortion rate, you should know better than to believe. I never stand to withness any hanky panky actions myself. For that matteer, I was a geek anyway.)

Foolish, perhaps but it was my choice nonetheless.

2. I chose to major in Life Sciences when I have absolutely no biology background. I made this choice, mostly because of interest and not how much the $$$ my degree might bring me in the working world.

3. Again, I chose to take a Graduate diploma in Finance after graduating from NUS when most of my peers rushed into their first jobs. ( I am admittedly very blessed in this instance) It was, yet again, because of interest and not because everybody else around me was doing it ( In actual fact, my decision encouraged a friend to follow suit.)

4. I chose to resign without a job just so recently ( I may just dedicate a post to this, for those who are curious. )

5. I am going to organise a party for less privileged kids in the next two months. Please do not copy my idea because I will hate you for that. This is extremely important to me. If you are interested in joining me, please leave a comment.

See, I am not so conformist what hor. I follow rules but my creativity sets in situations where there is no rule cast in stone. I make my own rules sometimes because I am an extremely obstinate, self contained and overwhelming ball of energy. More accurately, you will realise that I only follow rules that suit me, like everyone else. hur hur.

So, if you know me or think that you do, am I a conformist or am I not? Say the truth, I'll be kind. hur hur hur.

I Have a Happy Face, and you don't. Neh nee Neh nee Boo boo..

Restless.Hormone imbalance.Hungry.Again.

I know i should be doing something vaguely constructive, but the hormones are doing my bidding today ( or any day for that matter). I should go to sleep but I refuse. I could read a book but I would not ( Don't ask me why.). Perhaps, I should go take a dump at the toilet. Maybe.

Haha. I lead a double life. My best friend is the pessimist but she turns out to be the greatest secret optimist in disguise. I, on the other had, am the optimist who in reality is this crazy, depressed person most of the time. * wavessssss*

So most of the times, I will act brave, all fine and dainty while I will bombard Miss J and friends with all my insecurities,sadness, stories and issues on the sly. Issues such as erm, whether if I should succumb to Zara something or Miss Selfridge something, or some bad haircut ( now this is A MAJOR ISSUE).

I have a happy face and I have no idea why. I have a restless, heavy heart ( I dont mean the cholesterol and up nots, hor) and I don't know why either. Whee thank you mummy and papa for the Happy Face!

The good thing about having a happy face is that people tend to warm up to me more quickly. The downside , unfortunately, is that people ( i don't know who. Tom, Dick and Harry) may potentially walk all over you, thinking you're stupid.

You know, I just happen to see this quote moment ago:

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
- Ernest Hemingway, author and journalist, Nobel laureate (1899-1961)

I am sure this Hemingway guy is a smart dude. After all ,he won some kind of award, while the only kind of award I have won in my most recent memories is a silver medal given to me during a ice carving exercise in Korea. So you get the idea, he is smart and probably unhappy from the looks of it.


If the Hemmingway quote implies that being happy may mean that you are very well be less intelligent than you think you are, then I , the person with happy face and the heavy heart ,am actually more intelligent than I look. ( Yes I have complete disregard for grammar and punctuation purely because I suck at them)

Don't take this too seriously. It is a hypothesis, after all. Or not :)


So, once again, thank you mummy and papa for the happy face and heavy heart! whee!

Flip -Flop

I am feeling decidedly suicidal that I can flip any moment. With and without any external provokation. Things are as bad as they can be today, today.

Likewise, my interview today was a certified flop. I'm pretty upset for my coherence failed me during the video conference. What I said then pretty much didn't make sense. In fact, I was cringing half the time when my interviewer was looking away ( well at my records, i suppose. Or laughing her socks off at my answers.) And we all know how precious hindsight can be . You bet, I can think of way better and concerete answers right now.

As much as I would like to deny, I was kind of intimidated to have a VC in a huge conference room ( twice the size of my room, at least. And my room is not that small ) alone. It was quite an experience which could be pleasant if my mental state was more sound. If you havent known, I had a domestic emergency yesterday and was rushing all over the place to get things settled.

My family is fine, thank you. The gist of this 'saga' goes like this - Helper's mum was in a critical condition (who unfortunately passed away today before my helper could go back) => discussed with my parents => Buy tickets and liaise with the agent => THE AGENT WAS TERRIBLY UNPROFESSIONAL AND A GREAT PAIN ( Pardon if this gets too personal, i hate it when she speaks in that condescending tone to my mum. Long story, no time) => Faxed necessary documents to the agents n the airline company

Now, is that my fault that the agent's fax machine sorely needs a new ink cartridge? She claimed that oh she didnt the get first copy, and the second copy was too light. And it's all my fault so i should send the bloody E ticket over via email. The thing is, she requested for the documents to be sent by FAX! The reason why we engage the services of an agent is such that we will not need to do such miscellaneous stuff ( please, she ORDERED me to book the air ticket), and definitely not wasting time quarrelling with her.

And oh when i called her, she was so curt and irritating ( pardon my lack of vocabulary) till she exclaimed that she needed to pick up another call and would call me back later. As the story went, she did not. I am still waiting here, hur hur.

So I have decided to drop her an email:

Snippets of how a kind, helpful agent should be :

+++As spoken earlier, I do not have the E ticket in soft copy.What I have here is the booking confirmation with E ticket number stated, as well as Merla's Name and flight details. Please kindly advise if this is sufficient. If not, I will deliver the hard copy of the E ticket by tomorrow. Thanks. Best Regards.Jane+++

++++Hi Jane Please try to get the eticket and email to me tomorrow . Thanks Irene+++

+++Hi Irene, Like I've mentioned earlier, I do not have the soft copy of the Eticket at moment. I am busy right now and will only have time to liaise with Silkair later in the day to see if I can get the soft copy sent to me. Can you please check with the embassy if the booking confirmation/itinerary along with the faxed copy of E ticket (Faxed over to you this morning, as per your request) is sufficient since it includes most of the details and suffice as a proof of purchase? Many thanks to all the help you can give. +++


+++Jane Can do it tomorrow as she is flying tomorrow. Embassy will not just talk to one person ,we just have to submit complete or do not at all!! RegardsIren+++ This was the last email I saw before I rushed out for the interview. If you know me and the story behind this whole nonsense, you will know how I fuming mad I was. My interview was put at stake literally


As much as I understand she's running a one man show, I do not see a reason why she has to be unprofessional when I have been polite all along. I also do not appreciate how she was blaming my family and my helper for the inconvenience we have caused.

What she kept emphasizing was that, it would be our problem if my helper decided to fly back to cebu and not come back. Hello??!! I trust my helper and what I see. If she decides to turn her back on me, so be it. In that case The money I have spent to help her , I'll take it as a charitable donation. I'm not trying to paint a holier than thou picture of myself because i am selfish.

I potentially screwed up my very important interview because I was not able to multitask efficiently when I am fuming mad. well, lesson learnt. I am also upset because I missed my ex colleaguess; gathering ( two birthdays, and they took much effort to ensure i was free today. I'm sorry guys :() because i need to come home to settle stuff. So see, I am not holy. I'm selfish and self absorbed.

I screwed up my interview because I did much better the first round. I wonder what happend to me today. Whatever that came out as my words probably came from my ass.

Super irked.

I will also need to check with MOM and the Philipines Embassy about the insurance/bond thing we are asked to process/sign. And also more war , with the secret lady agent.

On a more sombre note, we will be sending my helper to the airport and will be letting her go on leave for the next 10 days. I feel terribly sorry for her, especially so when I heard her mother was trying so hard to hold on till she gets back. But she couldn't wait any longer,God bless her mother's soul.

Well being the self absorbed, selfish and self important person that I am, I am not exactly embracing the no clean sheets/washed and ironed clothes/breakfast/Merla this Merla that the next ten days. See i told you i can such a moron sometimes.

I probably drove my boyfriend crazy today, as a bid to stay sane and 'sucked in' ( you know, suck it in) today. Kudos to you, Mr R. Love you :)

Puke, people puke :P

Erm what the hell am I talking about?

I am officially fat and impending obesity is looming over my thick head. I cry.
But well I shouldn't be too surprised, given how much I am eating and ( not) exercising these days.

I have a couple of( well , two to be exact) interviews coming up ,tentatively.
We will see how it goes :) I feel fat boo!

Wait, no I am fat. Hell, does that mean I have legitimate reasons to start shopping again.
My clothes feel tight you know, and that's not good at all for someone with gastric reflux.

Oh well, I am procrastinating and you know it.
I'm terribly good at some things somehow.

I am a genius with big boobs ( that's where all the fats go to, my best friend insists).
Beat me if you can.
Now, that's plenty milk .. no I mean food for thought?

I know I do carry my self deprecating humour ( or so i thought, la) too far sometimes.
I apologize but may I ask why are you still reading on?


Alas, I need to find lunch before my brain explodes from the blatant need/lack of fuels and you may find me lying in a pool of brain matter and juices ( not floating of course, cos I am too dense! :P). Till the next time we meet!

The World and I

Without going into financial details and what nots*, it seems like Korea has emerged ridiculously strong in the midst of the current financial unrest. Granted that the nation's estranged half of the North has been creating gratuitous political pressure on its( their) border, Korea is evidently holding on to the tide remarkably well.

Mind you, I am looking at the Korea's economy and all these global events from a layman's point of view. This can potentially mean I take many assumptions for granted which will admittedly caused my insights to be flawed and skewed. Like all common folks ( note: the surface of one huge assumption - common folks = laymen who care more about their next paycheck than the GDP generated by another country, for instance), I have a tendency to believe and deduce from what I see and hear.

Now, we all know that I just came back from Korea ( for pleasure, may I add :P)a couple of weeks ago. I have also been to Seoul twelve years ago. The beautiful , cosmopolitan and technologically advanced city I have seen recently was starkly different from what it was back then. It might not surprise you that 1998 - that's twelve years ago, was the year when most Asian economies were left struggling in the aftermath of 1997 Asian Financial Crisis. According to Wikipedia ( the layman's source of general knowledge), the Korean economy was particularly ravaged by the crisis and then some. I didn't remember watching any Korean dramas on our shores during this period either; Korean anything was not cool back then either.


However, what struck me the most was not how different Korea is right now, but instead I marvelled how this country has developed leaps and bounds ( I know this sounds extremely cliched, but you get my drift) in a relatively short span of time and wonder how they ( the Koreans) managed to do it.

It seems to me that one key ingredient to their bubbling pot of success is Nationalism. I know Nationalism is a big and foreign word, especially to me ( if you take my nationality in consideration :P). The Koreans love their country ( or so I seems to me, you may beg to differ ) and it really shows.

To put it simply, this was what I observed in the two weeks I was in Korea ( yes I'm not bothered by trivialities like sample size and the likes of it ) :

The Koreans show immense support for their economy by purchasing and using what was locally produced,from the cars they drive right down to the their choice of alcohol.The number of Hyundais on the road was overwhelming and Soju seemed to be their preferred beverage. The shop keepers showed tremendous pride when they emphasized that their products are 'made in Korea' ( as opposed to ' made in China', especially so when I tried to bargain their prices down ( Alright, I am a sucker who has neither the flair nor inclination to negotiate.)

Such is the pride of the Korean for its country.

I have more to share, but that's another story for another day.
Please let me know if you have enjoyed this post, or otherwise.




( *I am, after all, neither professionally trained in Economic nor Finance.Hence, please do not take what I write too seriously for I am no expert in any matter. Academically-wise, I am unable to account for the distinctions I have scored for Corporate Finance and Investment Management, as opposed to the pass grade in Economics, which I can safely conclude as a consequence of fluke. Side note: Considering my degree was in Life Sciences and my life time major is in compulsive shopping , I guess I did pretty okie for this post-grad diploma of mine.)

ah, just another day it seems...

Have I mentioned that I met a girl on Friday who reminded me alot of myself?
Or rather how i used to be.
She's all perky,enthusiastic and so full of energy. One can't help but be drawn to her.

Granted she was trying to persuade me to become a long term donor for National Cancer foundation, it was also evident that she has passion for what she was doing.

I can be cynical ( well as cynical as my nature allows me to. I have been donating regularly to National Heart foundation after all.) but I do regconize a true passionate soul when I see one.
The more cynical and jaded of you out there, yes, she is indeed younger than I am ( and i'm not that old, for that matter.) And yes, I suppose she has to do her job. But her spirit is true and strong under sweltering sun. I know she believes in what she is doing.

For I was once like her, a fighter for my beliefs. Meeting her, in a matter-of-fact sort of way , puts me to shame. The kind which made you squirm uncomfortably like the time when you farted in an overcrowded lift and everyone knew it was you. Over the years, it seemed like I have left some things dear to me behind. Over the years, I became less of me and more like everyone else. Somehow,I have been quietly mourning for the death of those dear things. I'm not too sure whether my self defeating behaviour in this vicious cycle is a feeble attempt to (over) compensate for this loss.

Somehow, I become less brave, less adventurous,less passionate, more materialisic and much more fearful. Just like everyone else. It scares me so and I don't like it.

I am at crossroads, once again. I was brave enough to make some decisions but I'm not too sure if I am strong enough to follow them through. I am having the cold feet and my vision is getting blur. I do not seem to be able to juggle my priorities at the moment. Perhaps, I am just too hard on myself.

I am not too sure if i can think better by putting myself on the edge.
There can only be courage when there is fear. I'll put it to test and let you know.

I have a game plan

which gets me absolutely excited because

1) I am putting it into action.
2)I wanted to do it ( for the weirdest reason, i kept trying 'eat' instead of 'it' for the longest time.
3) I know this is the right thing to do
4) it will mean something ( i hope dearly) to those I am doing it for :)

I love my life,even more, starting from now.

The In-betweens

I am neither nor there. I am everywhere, and that's not really comforting isn't it.
The strange thing is I think I am much braver than most people, yet more than a wee bit less than courageous than the others.

I hate it when i see recurring themes - internal conflict, emotional turmoil, utter confusion in my posts. It just seemed like I have not learnt to enjoy life in its fullest, complete glory.In short, a complete loser.I don't like feeling in between, to be without conviction and passion nauseates me more than a swarming army of cockroach ( that said, the sight of the roach army might drive me to similar frenzy on those out of sorts day. Probably less frenzied than you might be ,though).

The ceaseless use of 'I' in all my posts would have shown you how self centred/deprecating/sufficient I can be. Cynical,judgemental, fearful, I have all of that sickening undesirable qualities, but i am only human. Yes, full of excuses as well.

Yet, the sheer scale of my self awareness is indeed rather startling isn't it? Ignorance of your own weaknesses is plain pathetic because you don't know what you are missing out. had you seen the potential you might realise. There is always two sides to a coin - your strength can and might be your weakness.Likewise, the awareness of your weakness might lead to an acquisition of another strength.

There is so much fear and uncertainty in me that the very fact that I still eat like a horse ( maybe a pig or dinosaur even might be more apt, since I am never a herbivore)amazes me.
I take comfort that although I am constantly afraid, but I am never ( and will never allow myself to be ) a coward. Yes, my legs might be shaky but they are stronger than yours.

That's why you're afraid of me. All of you are, admit it.

Is it possible to be impossibly hard on yourself yet being so self indulgent at the same time?

Fog

I have a knack of spreading myself too thin over everything and nothing, it's laughable sometimes.

Some days, I'll be on top of my game. I'll rather hide under my blanket, on the lesser days.

It seems like I have somehow lost sight of what I was fighting for, what I am fighting for.
To be different, to follow my dreams. But what are my dreams?

' Never forget your dream'

It's all foggy,odd and far away. I will get there.
I'll do it one by one. I am getting there, making through the fog. I will get there.

I will figure out where I want to be. And I will be there.

Kimchi is goooooooof for me!

Hello peeps,

I am back from Kimchi Land. Had an amazing time and an equally amazing hole in my pocket.
( And Rich's too, if you wish:P)
Well, I'm a Olympic shopper on rehab after all. Even though, I insist i 'didn't buy much' on hindsight.

But of course, you should know better to trust me on that.
I have plenty of pictures of course, but when I have time maybe.

The weather back here is terribly hot. Please meet me soon before i melt into a puddle of fats and inards, pretty please.

I know this is uber strange but i happen to be terribly hungry now.
I want crabs, mandous and Japanese food galore.

Gamsah-hamida..

I am a complete moron. But at least I have big boobs.

Not funny when my head isn't working in the way it should.
My nose is wonderfully blocked causing this unbelievably woozy nonsense swirling in my brain.


I cannot seem to function, but it is not that bad.
It is just now life works sometimes. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't.
Hell, maybe you are right. I don't have to like it somehow.

I seem to like the idea of reinventing myself ,every so very often.
Well, screwing my life upside down does come along with the package, in tiny subtle disclaimers of course. No money back guarantee,for sure.

The thing about me is that, people seem to think that I am this cheery, happy, sunny little ( ok maybe not the little part,la) girl who skips around in the garden of Eden,Happily ever after. They say my cheerful ,happy,sunny( CHS)vibe is infectious, I understand that. People, at their very core, likes happy people, happy things.

I am, unfortunately or otherwise, more morbid than that. I wouldn't say my CHS vibe is a constant facade ,but a facet of my mere mortal existence. Now, who can deny me that?
I am, after not a 2 dimensional , flat piece of paper doll.

Honestly, I know I am not very coherent now, the water pipe is kind of blocked.
But it's ok isn't it. I just need to get things of my chest in my self- centred-deprecating - narcissistic even world.

Let me tell you something ( I know I know, I'm writing in that drunken stupor ),
I completely know what I am doing. I'm just not sure if it's right.
But i guess, all that can come after hindsight.

It's strange, I know.
How these words seem to show,
Just how much my cup can hold.
When the cold comes to visit,
you won't have time to nitpick.
Will you go with the flow,
or let the cold consume your bone marrow?

If i am a complete moron, then tell me , what are you?

Whinnies Funnies!

Save me, someone!
Well, the least i can do right now is to stop fretting like an old mother goose who lost her egg.

I'm no goose and I lose an egg on a monthly basis. So, why fret?

Bring me to La la la Land

Life just got a little more complicated, with the absence of my wisdom tooth to boot.

I'm feeling a little under the weather these days, feeling thoroughly confused everyday.
Somedays are better than the others.

I wake up feeling battered, worn out for words. Those internal battles drained me constantly.
I have pretty good a life and am fortunate enough to have choices.
Quarter life crisis is too shabby an excuse for my self defeating behaviour.

Furthermore, I am lucky not to have any major setbacks since I've decided to give my
current role a one way ticket to the moon. In fact, I just got news.

Though, the nature of the news can be subjective. I don't know, really.
Some news is better no news maybe?

Should I give myself a pat of the shoulder then?
See, I told you I have the knack of making life miserable for myself.

Ok, I'm getting hungry.
I feel like steak, except I can hardly chew right now.

Oracle, why won't you tell me?

I need a moment just to quieten my mind,
To a place where those pretty birds fly.

Throw myself into a sea of limbo,
Finding the direction where my boat will row.

Oh Oracle,
So won't you tell me tonight,
If i should even give up without a fight?

Oh Oracle, Oracle,
What will you do if you are a kite,
Cut off from your line and lost in the night?

Oh Oracle, oracle, oracle.

Been there. Done that. Is that so?

It has been a busy week.

In short, I have made my life more complicated. Well, more complicated than it should be.
Finding myself should not deserve anything less, i guess.
Despite this little tricky situation i happily threw myself in, I know I'm doing alright.

At the very least, I am not on auto-pilot mode.
I threw myself into the big blue sea, in that Gawd-knows-where.
And I am learning how to swim again. Not easy feat there, I must say.

Chin up. Chin up. Chin up.


Oh, did i mention that i seem to have erm control issues?

Let go. And enjoy the ride.

:)

Sometimes, i think it's best for me to shut my mouth up and keep my mind sane.
You know how we get more confused as more people kindly offered their opinions?

As Rich puts it, even well meaning people ' screw your minds' despite their best intentions.
One colleague said I'm impulsive, the other said my mental state was questionable ( in the kindest of way, of course).

I find it strange how i always struggle to justify my actions when I know i don't bloody well owe anyone an explanation. Perhaps, I'm just trying to convince myself I'm making the right decision.

There are plenty who will judge, who will criticise and point fingers. I'm not too brave, but at least I am the one who dare.

Foolish? Maybe.

It is excruciating painful to see myself becoming what I despise, it is plain waste of my time.
I prayed for a long time and I believe it is the right time to do what i need to do.

Yes, I'm afraid. And no, I haven't prepared for this but it is crystal clear now.

My wings are mine to fly.

I'm getting a wee bit incoherent now. Need sleep :)

Darn! Just shove it!

I know I've said it before and I'll say it once more.

When push comes to shove, I don't know what I'll do.
What may be different is the fact I very well know what I am going to do.
It seems to me, I have decided.

Decided.
One part of me asks if it is too hasty a decision, too impulsive and irresponsible a choice.
Yet, I know it isn't.

Something which I have pondered, debated and prayed very hard for should not be too hasty.
There is no epiphany, no sudden strike of genius. I just decided today, for good.

No promise of light at the end of the tunnel. No guarantee of happily ever afters.
My guess is as good as yours. Honestly, I'm equally confused right now.

I despise the person I am becoming,really. It is a terrible feeling to have.
I know I have to put an end to this,because I know I can.
Life's too short to waste it.

I'm not very brave, you see.

And I'm afraid of failure and what people will think of me.

But I can only live my life once.
So I'll dance, as long as Life gives me the chance!

Why?

Because my wings are mine to fly.

Silent Night - Part (1)

The reason (S) why there are two parts ( or maybe more) to this post is purely because of :

1. I tend to be very long-winded. Evidently, like now.

2. It is way too late for a corporate rat like me to be up on a Sunday night/Monday Morning.( Whichever pleases you, my friend)

3. I have been doing much thinking which translates to more musings to be written here , I suppose.

4. I am having a quarter life crisis of some sorts. So, I can jolly well write whatever damn thing i feel, gawd damn hour or otherwise. Just because. If I sound mildly like a angsty 16 year old, it's because I bloody am. ( Please see point 5 )

5. I am angsty teenager stuck in a foreign, ageing , self-defeating female body. I have issues. Plenty to write about.

If you are a friend and wondering about my well-being, well thank you I am indeed not very well. And if you have not decide whether if you are a friend or foe to me, you may have my permission to use my sorry life story as a topic, to start off a day in the pantry tomorrow.
You may, if I am as interesting as Jack Neo, or his wife for that matter.

The little gist of this not so little post is that I've been thinking and observing myself for a while.
I cannot really decide if i like myself too much nowadays. I have... changed. And there are some changes which I , unfortunately, not so proud of. I know self loathe is way overrated and I do still love myself since I am blessed with numerous merits which i prefer not to share.


I am a corporate rat, stuck in the rat race.
If you don't already know, there are many classes of rats.For instance, there are Lamborghini-driving ones ( if i got the name of the fancy car wrong, it is because I do not drive one. Thank you.), Birkin toting ones, lazy ones, hardworking ones, political ones. Many , stuck in the race they can't get out.

And I am just one of them. A rat.
A rat who thinks she is different, but still end up moving very much with the flow.
It's painful.

And it's sad, for at times she thought she saw a light at end of her tunnel, she almost always take a stumble. Taken aback at the fact that she doesn't know where she wants to go anymore. That she very well be reaching the end of someone else's tunnel.

With this, I'll say Good night and end this post.
I'll pray for peace,strength and wisdom for all of us :)

Thank you, Lord.

Dear Lord,

Please take my hands and make it Yours.
Let my hands do Your work, in Your time and space.

Please take away my doubts and fears which are weighing upon my shoulder.
I pray for a clear mind - to see ahead with clarity, wisdom and persistence to see my goals through.

I'm not even sure if I'm praying the right way or even know even if there is a correct way to pray to begin with. I pray with sincerity and humbleness for Your Grace and Wisdom to guide me through this difficult period.

Please guide me, Dear Lord.

Amen.

Do not let fear paralyse you

Dear Jane,

I sense great distress and restlessness within you. Too much noises.
You can't hear yourself speak anymore. Noise threatens to drown your own voice.
And it's a pity, isn't it?

There is anger ,almost gratuitous , mostly directed at yourself.
I hear those waves of anguish very clearly indeed.
' I have so much to be grateful for', I hear you say.

You are angry with yourself.
I see you sitting down, shoulders slumped, right beside the traffic light.

I don't see why you can't cross the road. There is no car around.
The traffic light is beckoning , its green light shining almost maniacally.

I see you sitting down, shoulders slumped, right beside the traffic light.
You were looking at your watch, getting more exasperated as time passes you by.

The limousine of an epiphany you are waiting for may not arrive in time to bring you where you want to be. You do know it, don't it?

My heart aches to see your solitary figure clutching on to Fear, paralysed by the web of uncertainty and warped sense of comfort it has casted on you.

You don't have to perfect to be at the start line. So what if you make mistake or take a tumble and fall? Think about it, and while you're at it, you might as well quit being so hard on yourself.

Remember this quote you came across not to long ago?


'Let Us not commit suicide for the fear of Death '


Love,
The one who will always love youl

Because your love makes me stronger...

Indeed. =)

Little Woman

It spooks me a little how hard it is for me to hold on to my emotions ,these days.

These oppressed, repressed days. These empty days where I don't think I'm trying hard enough. These days I know i should be counting my blessings and work towards my goals.

You know, just do it like they do in the Nike commercial.

I don't have the habit of explaining myself mainly because I don't like to.
But these days, it seems like I'm caught in the vicious cycle of creative procrastination ,violent emotion tsunamis and restless lost dreams. And unfulfilled expectations.

Whoever you are, you don't know me.
Even if I'm acting like a petulant school girl, it is probably because i'm making up for lost time.
Lost time, indeed.

Whatever comes out from my mouth sounds weak. I'm weak.

My fear of mediocrity overwhelms me. I'm lost, really.

By the way, don't ever pretend to know me.
I, unfortunately or otherwise, can be quite unpredictable sometimes.

When push comes to shove, I don't know what I will do.
For better , or first for worse.

The Tongue of Life

The taste of self-denial is sour, not unlike the after-taste of an acid reflux episode.

Cowardice, on the other hand, tastes bitter.

Sometimes you don't know if trying is enough...

I know it is not exactly the most auspicious to be lamenting on Chinese New Year Eve.
But honestly, I can't really help it and I suppose it helps getting it all off my chest before i
embark on the new lunar year .

It seems like I do fall short of expectations at the best of times,sometimes.
It's not an easy thing to swallow, especially so when you know that you try. Very Hard.
Perhaps, I just need to work on my multi-tasking skills and re-evaluating my priorities.

I know it sounds overused but i put in effort to become a better daughter, friend and grilfriend.
Sometimes, I don't know if it's enough.


As you know, I don't know many things.
Perhaps i shall take comfort in knowing that in everything i do, i try.

I'm so glad that...

I don't have to look far to count my blessings.

Chin up, Jane Lim!

Chill, and beat those Monday-Tuesday-wednesday- Thursday blues!

I'm thankful for everything I have, and indeed I've been living a very charmed life :)

Just little more courage, determination and discipline...

And by the way, i mean what I say even when I am not making sense. Like now, probably..

If you can't hold on...

Everything's in limbo, and I don't know what to do.

Relentlessly Cute..

Like what i told my boyfriend earlier, I seem to exude more wild eyed, a tad too whimsical kind of slapstick humour and wit when i am stressed/depressed.

It might be hereditary.

lim says:
papa feel like a duck lor

jane says:
how come?
quack quack quack?

lim says:
maybe i swim like a duck lor.hehe3

jane says:
ahahahha
nvm now u swim faster liao
like mermaid
except ur merman
ajjaajaj
hahah

lim says:
hahahahahaha what a cute comment

jane says:
of course cos i am LIM CUTE-CUTE
ahhahaha
i think k p tan's medicine make me cuckoo liao
ahhaha

lim says:
kp tan stand for kap po

jane says:
whaahhahaha
kap po = toad/frog?
ahahah
no wonder i bit ding dong liao

Dr K P Tan is my family doctor, and trust us we all adore him.
My dad was just being himself, funny bone buzzing. And I'm obviously
still relentlessly holding to my alter-ego Lim cute-cute.

Or maybe my brand of quirky ( understated), neurotic brand of humour is just inherent in me.
(well, I would not rule out that I might have some mental disorder as a consequence of some childhood fever)



jane says:
yah supposedly even more effective if u drink salt water form the shell
but then agian it might old wive's tale
ahhaha
i almost said old wives'd tail ahhaa
next time when i become an old wive, pls check whethe ri have a tail growing out my ass
*wife

Richie says:
yes dear
ahahahahahaha
that was really amusing
u got me smiling like hell man


We were talking about eating durians.
This proves two things ( or maybe three):

It's either i cannot spell, disillusioned , have complete disregard for proper grammar/spelling and I have very accommodating boyfriend.

Or I just need to sleep now because the medicine is making me senseless.
And of course, my boyfriend is still accommodating in this case.

Ah, trivial of Life!

Repeat. Stop. Repeat.

I begin to sound like a broken record, feeling and lamenting the same old thing over and over.
Life becomes a blur when you are on repeat mode.


I feel so, messy inside.
And it shows on the outside.
For one, my brother has been asking me why i ' look like shit' these days.
The lacklustre skin, zits , the dark eye bags and the likes do not look becoming on me.

It's funny and ironical how people perceive me as being cheerful and happy-go-lucky,
for I am such a perpetual stress ball and think tank ( what ever that means to you).


Sing the song that I've never heard before,
the one which moved my very core.

Take me away from the busy street,
it seems like I can't dance with my two left feet.

Place your ear against my heart,
and weigh the dreams that have not start.


Standing in the dark the city has cast,
I shall not wallow in the forgotten path.

The lights which seem so far ahead,
please come to light my flame of faith.

I see the Battle against the beast of fear,
When will it end and who will fail?


Do you like my poem-0f-some-sorts?
( well if you forgive the bad grammar; it's self expression after all).
Humour me.Say Yes.

Blur

It dawns upon me how shallow,empty I have been feeling all this while.
This is, unfortunately, not some sudden epiphany which struck me one fine day,
while I as sitting under the apple tree.

I've been on autopilot mode for too long, only to realise mid-air that I have forgotten
how to fly. Perhaps, it is suffice to say that I'm not proud of it.

How did i allow this to happen?

Honestly, it feels like a complete hoax here where I am whining my lungs away about my life in the Rat race. Hilarious, considering how blessed I am at this very point of time.

I have doting parents and family, a wonderful boyfriend, good friends and a decent stable paycheck. Well, you can pretty much say that I can have my little cupcake and eat it.

Then. Why?

Maybe I just don't want to be remember as just another shopaholic or a 'nice' person/co-worker.
And maybe then, you will realise that I have more brains than you think I have.

Till then, I should just really dump that facade of feigned ignorance and stupidity which seem to give me much of a security blanket and little credit worthiness. I should start listening and trusting myself more again.

I don't know. Maybe it's the hormones talking.

I don't know. Maybe, that's why.