Turning 28

I turned 28 recently and found out that I didn't feel any more different than I was 27.

Not that I was expecting any huge epiphany but an elevated sense of self or enlightenment would have been a nice trade off in return for more wrinkles and saggier boobs.

I should have known better. Saggy boobs were never an universal symbol of wisdom.

Despite all my misgivings and whines, I do know I'm very well loved by my family and friends ( and my fiance who very well  will be reading this soon). For that, I am and will always be eternally grateful. Whatever good you see in me, i thank them for that. Whatever that's left, I've only myself to account for.

The funny thing about having your birthday near the end of year is that you ( ok maybe it's only me!)usually feel  more apprehension than excitement as THE day comes nearer ( for every birthday after your 21st ).
I feel more ' What the f**** have done for the past year?' than ' Yay! Celebrations, come on!'.

As I grow older, I realized that I've to learnt how to manage expectation of myself and what others expect of me. And for someone who whines and bitches quite a bit on a daily basis, I do have very specific expectations of myself.

You see, I'm not the kind of person who whines and complains about life but do nothing about it. I may not be the most dynamic and organized person but you can't fault me for not trying.

Marriage 
The most common questions I've been asked this year are all marriage related. When are you getting married? Where are you getting married? Have you decided on the venue? Why have you NOT decided on the venue, food tasting?

I know these questions are all well meaning and great conversation fillers but hell, it's becoming a chore to answer them (especially those 'Why have you NOT?' questions!). Very often than not, these questions are asked repeatedly by the same people.

I have always been a believer in the concept of marriage and still am.You know, find the right person, settle down and have kids. But that's not my sole goal in life and it is definitely not a priority at this stage of my life.

It is indeed difficult to convince people around me that there is more to my life than getting married.There is a certain expectation people have of you when you are in a stable, reasonably long relationship. People with the kindest intentions and best interests, who at the end of the day, wants you to be happy.

The only problem is that they think Marriage will make me happy. Many see Marriage as a commitment reinforcement, as a epitome of Love and natural progression, like how you are reminded of Christ when you see the cross. I don't see how the change in my marital status will make me a better person or a better half in a relationship. There's no happily ever afters after getting married for marriage bliss is not a given but something you work towards to.

I hate it when others think that all these lack of wedding planning implies laziness and procrastination. There're a myriad of reasons for that and could they please mind their own business and spare me undue stress and grief?

How much, how well do you think you know me? About my values and all those things that I stand for?

Sometimes, I'm sick and tired of trying to make everyone around me happy.

There's always the right time and place, for everything.






.

I'm almost.... getting there...

Truth to be told... the stress is getting to me.

This is one of the reasons why I rarely disclose any of my plans until they are all done deals. So there, I deviate a little from my usual working style and see what I've gotten in return.

I don't mean to sound bitter ( hell, maybe I do. I just need an outlet to rant) but I am sick of people asking me to hurry and hurry and hurry to launch my new project.

I know some of the products I carry tend to be trend sensitive ( though, I'm really an advocate of wearing what you like and not because it's trendy. I'm not marketing myself as a trend maestro so there you go.) I also know how wise it will be to sell my stuff as soon as possible. Really, I know all these well meaning advice but what will really help accelerate my progress is good, solid and constructive ideas.

For example, I would really want to know how to edit my photos really quickly and nicely. ( with all the fancy fonts and pretty background And those layers and what nots driving me nuts). Perhaps, some websites I can get ideas from or even the kind of designs you will like to see in my store.

Honestly, a word of encouragement would be nice. I'm trying my darn best to get this sorted out despite my shortcomings and evident lack of knowledge  and I do know time is running out. The learning curve is indeed  steep but I know I shouldn't dream of asking anyone to cut me some slack.

I know I'm not battling alone but why do I feel like I am?

I'm almost there, really.

A little, A Day

Some days just seem a little more dreary, a little more hard to bear than the others.

A little more self-doubt, a little more anxiety about the life you have created for yourself thus far.

I bet you  know the feeling too, don't you?

But this is not a whiny post ( though I really do whine and swear a lot sometimes). It's about learning to keep your equilibrium when you are out of your comfort zone. It is (sort of) akin to blowing your nose to clear the your ear pressure, right after you get off a flight.

$^(@!##$$%^*&())(&%#$%^! Okay fine, let's get the swearing out of the way.

I think it maybe old news that I'm working on a new project and laboring to get it live. It's not unlike carrying a child for the first time.

I have definite ideas of how I want my business to be like.

At the core of it, I'm just selling stuff online. Things I would wear, Things I would buy. I don't need extensive research to know that my competition is stiff. ( Though I need research to know what my competitors are up to, don't I?)


Selling without a concept, without a story will only bring one so far. So what I'm trying to do now is to create and articulate that story which I hope will bring my business and I closer to my would -be customers.

I'm an avid shopper so I know most women shop based on their emotions and perceptions.  Impulse shopping, anyone?

Some have asked me why don't ( can't) I just launched my store on live journal or blogspot. for that matter.

There are certain things I believe strongly in but perhaps unable to articulate it at all (yes, i have the tendency to be mentally and socially choked up).

 All I can say is you can't compare apples and oranges. If your competitors have evolved and moved on to  a different platform, what kind of competitive advantage would it do to a late game entrant like me to start on a forsaken arena. ( I do have dramatic streak in me, if you realized.)

Let's face it, consumer psychology is a very real thing. If my target audience perceives the transition to a full fledged website as 'made it', 'reliable' and 'successful', that's where I want my business to be.

I definitely have plenty of room to improve. The learning curve is steep and I'm trying my darn best to learn new things. Things I probably wouldn't care less or even enjoy a couple of months ago. - But I do see now that these are gateways to better business management now and in the future.

I'm not a high achiever, a natural go-getter or a strong self-motivator. But I'll like to think of myself as  someone constantly seeking to improve herself and get better and better.

I'm disorganised,messy,crazy, feeling under-the-weather and having the worst pms of my life right now.
But you know what?

I will get there. I will get there. I will get there. I will get there. I will get there. I will get there. I will get there.

I will succeed.

So how's life, people?

I hope my fairy god mother has been treating you all well and dandy.

For those who are feeling under the weather,
Summer's almost over so I suppose that fairy should be back really soon from her vacation ( if she hasn't already) and pass you some joy and laughter.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream about being pregnant with triplets. A strange dream which surprisingly didn't feel like a nightmare and left me amused when I woke up in the morning.

Though, I'm not exactly sure if that's the kind of dream I'll like to wake up from every day.

I remember reading somewhere that dreaming of pregnancy may symbolize  (a) a true pregnancy in reality, (b) new beginning or the birth of an idea. Well, I know (a) isn't a option so i didn't think much about the dream.

Fast forward to the present, for those of you who might already know, I'm in the midst of a new project.
No, it's not rocket science and I didn't find a cure for eczema in the Amazon forests.

I have people asking me why the sudden urge to do so? I've replied seemingly nonchalant answers like ' I'm too bored', ' I want to earn extra cash' and ' I love shopping' ( *hint-hint).

This project is in line with what I want in life - Running a successful business of my own and a dose of lecturing/teaching/coaching.

 I want to be in a position that I can help others ( not that I'm unable to right now) and be self sufficient and happy.

 I'm sure I'll stumble and have plenty of detractors along the way. I know it's not going to be easy. I'm both excited and apprehensive even before the project takes flight. I'll be lying if I have no doubts, no fears.

I'm constantly learning new things for this project. Things I have no knowledge in or cared about previously.
Things I never thought would be useful to me.

I am afraid, apprehensive, worried  and  not at all enlightened about all the unknowns. I'll still whine ( Monday blues, you b*tch!) and I'll probably cry. A lot.

But just the other day, just the other night, I remember thinking to myself : I've never felt so alive.


I will press on. I will succeed.

For those who care, please support me. Encourage me to press on. To succeed.

Focus

I've always been completely drawn to the whole concept of Focus and people who possess this quality which I deem elusive.

Like moths to the light, metaphorically speaking of course. Not a big fan of creepie crawlies, especially in the cozy comfort of my room.

I lack focus in my everyday life. Sometimes I'm aware of it, sometimes I'm caught unaware.
Though,I know very well that you will never ever( ok, may not ever but the chances are way low) reach your destination when you don't know where it is. - This is not meant to be vague, for being vague means I'm getting out of focus.

And that, my friends, is what my nightmares are made of.

I intend to(experiment)  remedy this situation by trying to introduce some kind of methodology or model into my life. Not those  methodology which deals with square roots and what nots, but some littles or reminders to maintain focus in my everyday life.

I've been reading ( interchangably, as such is my lack of focus) a couple of business/self improvement books and realise there is  one or two themes which is highlighted in these books. It's almost like Deja vu.

One of the takeaways which I feel is crucial in managing oneself and things around us:

Think about the end result/goal you desire or hope and act accordingly.

I think this is extremely useful when you encounter difficult people who might have a stake or a say in something you are interested in, for e.g. a difficult but important customer escalating minute issues and being rude and unreasonable ( we all meet these people sometimes, do we?). More often than not, we just want to get the work done without the hoo-haas.

If you encounter difficult people whom you don't give a hoot or two about, just walk away. And, that is tough for the best of us.

Just so you know, I'm a little more discerning when it comes to business skills /self improvement books  as opposed to my music taste. (I,I love you like a love song babeeee. I, I like a love sooong babeeee..)despite my tendencies to keep an open mind. (One of the books which I think lacks mojo is the book about a monk who drove a Ferrari. Or rode a horse for that matter. Just not my cup of tea)

I'll keep reading and I'll share when I finally complete reading the 3 books I've started.

Life's a journey, isn't it?

By the way..

I've been toying with the idea of starting a beauty blog of some sorts to document my thoughts on the products I've bought and tried. ( Read: I'm a sucker who will buy beauty products because of (1)great reviews (2)all the wonderful things the magazines or blog says will do to my skin(3) recommendation of sales assistants/pseudo make up artists) A Ah, Things you do when you don't have great skin ( cycles of accutane, topical steriods and antibiotics, anyone??). Oh well.

It's been almost three months since my last post..

Things are looking up and I'm feeling a wee bit better since my last post. If anyone's interested, that is. Nothing much has happened since except from my Hong Kong trip in March and then some. Perhaps, one of the more important things which occupies my time is the preparation of GMAT ( the sheer effort to over come both inertia and procrastination is overwhelming i.e. it is hard to get my fat ass off my bed to do anything) which is going to take place later today. ( Is it any surprise that yours truly is still blogging on the grand big day of the test itself?). I'm not well prepared at all. I booked the test about a month in advance, thinking the obvious lack of time will motivate and push me to begin the preparation,pronto. Then I realized that this is actually serious business, many people spent hours, weeks if not months, trying their best to outdo themselves before the tests. I've been terrible in Maths since I was 7 so the quantitative questions are a chore to overcome. Things I've not seen since high school/junior college are back to haunt me after so many years. Come to think of it , I might earn some pretty bucks if I could come up with a self-help ( of my favourite genre ahaha) book titled ' How to get my big fat ass off my bed and internet shopping and start doing some serious business?'. Erm, well, maybe not. It's pretty obvious why I need to take GMAT for - to take my MBA! It's been one of my dream and goals in life to get my masters before I have kids. For self improvement, better career prospects and inherent need of progress and structure in my life. - More on that sometimes later. Too much blabber and too little substance, as usual. Good luck to me!!!!!!!!!!!!

A spade Queen

Last Thursday evening, I had a mini, mini breakdown and fainted. - Well, the fainting episode is too much even for me , your trusty residential drama queen.


What started off as a prick on the mole hill ended up in an avalanche of unrelentingly stifling raw white-hot emotions, burning off the emotional vacuum I've been living in a while.

I felt helpless like that, mortified and taken aback by the magnitude of my emotions.
The magnitude of my fears, my unhappiness, my unworthiness.

Fear feeds on unhappiness. Unhappiness consumes all humans.
And, I, I am only human.

Why open the Pandora's box?

It's like wrapping fire with paper, scorching my bare skin as the flame seeks to escape. Never push me.

The fire which never brings light is gratuitous.
It never burns but torments with its taunts and stings,
questioning your sanity, prodding at your fears.

It's hard to talk about it. I can barely close the lid on the can of worms.

I'm not playing the role of a victim. I love the victorious heady rush of a winner too much for that.

I know I have much to be grateful for and I am thankful for it.

I just want to call a spade a spade. If I'm not happy, I am not happy.
That doesn't mean I want to rush to the nearest soup kitchen, begging for hand outs.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to fight.

Who are you to judge me for that? Too painful, too raw.

These emotions, too painful, too raw.


Recognizing that I'm lost may very well put me one step closer to being found.

random

Weathered Souls, the Wind will blow.
Scalded fingers, warm water shall flow.

I, wrapped among the foolish,
wrapped within the wound,
know that the fool I am,
is the one I chose.

Broken wands, dear wishes will go.
Tender thorns, your laughter shall show.

The dull drone

Uninspired,lackluster,unmotivated.

The lack of vitality, vigor and energy to rise up to challenge.

Challenges come in different forms. Some come as stepping stones while others appear to be stumbling block.

Some seem more, more, meaningful and noble than the others. While others just seem too mundane, too plain for effort.

Perhaps, the everyday challenge of battling the mundane and too familiar circuit track of the rat race is the most difficult lesson of all.

More so than battling, warring against the unknown, perhaps less rewarding to the ego and pride is the triumph over the dull drone.

Ageing thoughts

In the midst of the new year festivities and that smug, somewhat misplaced relief which only an extended weekend could bring ( no Monday blues, get it!), there is no denying that I am freaked out by the fact age is catching up on me.

Yes, I know it sounds really unbecoming. After all, I am pretty determined to age gracefully and live a full,good life while doing so.

The truth is I am not that old ( oh...really?) and I'm sure a couple of years later( saggy boobs and MORE stretch marks and wrinkles later.) I would lament that 28 is THE age to be.

I am officially 28. Bumming around in the corporate world, still figuring what my passions truly are, feeling lost along the way and just not living the full, good life the way I would very much like.

Not the worst but definitely not the best place to be now. But of course, I have plenty to be thankful for and would not want to jinx it by singing praises. ( I'm pretty good at jinxing things so I'm very pang-tang for a sweet young thing of 28).

I thought I had a calling to teach just barely 2 years ago, I guess I didn't answer to it at the very last moment. Even then, I wasn't sure if it was indeed a calling or just an inner voice seeking an alternative to the job I wasn't very happy holding then.( I did move on from that banking operations job to something else eventually).

If money isn't a concern , what will you choose to do as a profession?
I don't know yet I know.

I want to be an entrepreneur and a lecturer. Actually, that is my dream.