Let's get real and raw - Part 1

The last couple of months have passed us by.

Like I've mentioned before, this chapter of my life is determined to give me some hard knocks and some tough lessons before it ends. This chapter feels uncomfortable and suffocating, not unlike when your jeans become one size too tight. You know, when the jeans are too small to be buttoned up yet it's another grand chore to pull them down again (Skinny bitches, if you don't know what I'm taking about). The accompanying  guilt, embarrassment, indignity and  perhaps self directed anger are real.

 The thought of being judged less favorably than the person I think am and could be, stings.

I feel guilty for many things which i should be grateful for.

Precious, precious time  for me to rest and re-align my priorities. Or just to do whatever I like.
I feel guilty for squandering such prized commodity away to frivolous pursuits and mindless meandering activities. I could have exercised more, done more charity work or come up with ingenious and sustainable business ideas.

My thoughts are scattered and my speech stuttered. I'm horrified at how inadequate and in-eloquent I have become  in conversations these days ( though one may argue that this is the exact  reason why I left my job)  - Am I even becoming a better person in the most holistic sense of the word? On another note, it may be a good idea to explore joining toastmasters.


It feels empty. I feel empty. I have not dug long and deep enough to find my passions, values and priorities.Perhaps, I have not had the courage and  the wisdom to face my true self and what really moves and drives me. Perhaps, I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough. That I am destined to a very mediocre existence ( greatest big ass fears out of all fears!).

Somehow, I've gotten much more judgmental in the past years and unfortunately have claimed superiority in my mind over certain people who have crossed my path. This may be the mindset which leads to me to be intimidated by people whom I may perceived as capable and intelligent. Honestly, this may also be insecurity and lack of confidence inherent in me which I think I must try to overcome.  For very often, I may know better than by the so-called smartie pants.

 I need to trust myself more and portray  myself more confidently. I like to be sure of the facts or knowledge I share and  usually very honest about what I do not know ( hopefully, I will learn to use this to my advantage).

I also feel guilty for the financial burden on my husband during this period of sabbatical for we all know the cold hard truth that I am spendthrift as much as I try not to be.

The fear sets in when I feel like I'm not progressing in comparison to my peers,seemingly successful strangers I read about online and social media and the strange self constructed barometer I benchmark myself against. The fear grows stronger when I feel like a shadow of former self.

It's getting a little too late for my fantastic little brain for working overtime.

Some thoughts to myself:
Be mindful. Be humble. Be confident.