:)

Sometimes, i think it's best for me to shut my mouth up and keep my mind sane.
You know how we get more confused as more people kindly offered their opinions?

As Rich puts it, even well meaning people ' screw your minds' despite their best intentions.
One colleague said I'm impulsive, the other said my mental state was questionable ( in the kindest of way, of course).

I find it strange how i always struggle to justify my actions when I know i don't bloody well owe anyone an explanation. Perhaps, I'm just trying to convince myself I'm making the right decision.

There are plenty who will judge, who will criticise and point fingers. I'm not too brave, but at least I am the one who dare.

Foolish? Maybe.

It is excruciating painful to see myself becoming what I despise, it is plain waste of my time.
I prayed for a long time and I believe it is the right time to do what i need to do.

Yes, I'm afraid. And no, I haven't prepared for this but it is crystal clear now.

My wings are mine to fly.

I'm getting a wee bit incoherent now. Need sleep :)

Darn! Just shove it!

I know I've said it before and I'll say it once more.

When push comes to shove, I don't know what I'll do.
What may be different is the fact I very well know what I am going to do.
It seems to me, I have decided.

Decided.
One part of me asks if it is too hasty a decision, too impulsive and irresponsible a choice.
Yet, I know it isn't.

Something which I have pondered, debated and prayed very hard for should not be too hasty.
There is no epiphany, no sudden strike of genius. I just decided today, for good.

No promise of light at the end of the tunnel. No guarantee of happily ever afters.
My guess is as good as yours. Honestly, I'm equally confused right now.

I despise the person I am becoming,really. It is a terrible feeling to have.
I know I have to put an end to this,because I know I can.
Life's too short to waste it.

I'm not very brave, you see.

And I'm afraid of failure and what people will think of me.

But I can only live my life once.
So I'll dance, as long as Life gives me the chance!

Why?

Because my wings are mine to fly.

Silent Night - Part (1)

The reason (S) why there are two parts ( or maybe more) to this post is purely because of :

1. I tend to be very long-winded. Evidently, like now.

2. It is way too late for a corporate rat like me to be up on a Sunday night/Monday Morning.( Whichever pleases you, my friend)

3. I have been doing much thinking which translates to more musings to be written here , I suppose.

4. I am having a quarter life crisis of some sorts. So, I can jolly well write whatever damn thing i feel, gawd damn hour or otherwise. Just because. If I sound mildly like a angsty 16 year old, it's because I bloody am. ( Please see point 5 )

5. I am angsty teenager stuck in a foreign, ageing , self-defeating female body. I have issues. Plenty to write about.

If you are a friend and wondering about my well-being, well thank you I am indeed not very well. And if you have not decide whether if you are a friend or foe to me, you may have my permission to use my sorry life story as a topic, to start off a day in the pantry tomorrow.
You may, if I am as interesting as Jack Neo, or his wife for that matter.

The little gist of this not so little post is that I've been thinking and observing myself for a while.
I cannot really decide if i like myself too much nowadays. I have... changed. And there are some changes which I , unfortunately, not so proud of. I know self loathe is way overrated and I do still love myself since I am blessed with numerous merits which i prefer not to share.


I am a corporate rat, stuck in the rat race.
If you don't already know, there are many classes of rats.For instance, there are Lamborghini-driving ones ( if i got the name of the fancy car wrong, it is because I do not drive one. Thank you.), Birkin toting ones, lazy ones, hardworking ones, political ones. Many , stuck in the race they can't get out.

And I am just one of them. A rat.
A rat who thinks she is different, but still end up moving very much with the flow.
It's painful.

And it's sad, for at times she thought she saw a light at end of her tunnel, she almost always take a stumble. Taken aback at the fact that she doesn't know where she wants to go anymore. That she very well be reaching the end of someone else's tunnel.

With this, I'll say Good night and end this post.
I'll pray for peace,strength and wisdom for all of us :)

Thank you, Lord.

Dear Lord,

Please take my hands and make it Yours.
Let my hands do Your work, in Your time and space.

Please take away my doubts and fears which are weighing upon my shoulder.
I pray for a clear mind - to see ahead with clarity, wisdom and persistence to see my goals through.

I'm not even sure if I'm praying the right way or even know even if there is a correct way to pray to begin with. I pray with sincerity and humbleness for Your Grace and Wisdom to guide me through this difficult period.

Please guide me, Dear Lord.

Amen.

Do not let fear paralyse you

Dear Jane,

I sense great distress and restlessness within you. Too much noises.
You can't hear yourself speak anymore. Noise threatens to drown your own voice.
And it's a pity, isn't it?

There is anger ,almost gratuitous , mostly directed at yourself.
I hear those waves of anguish very clearly indeed.
' I have so much to be grateful for', I hear you say.

You are angry with yourself.
I see you sitting down, shoulders slumped, right beside the traffic light.

I don't see why you can't cross the road. There is no car around.
The traffic light is beckoning , its green light shining almost maniacally.

I see you sitting down, shoulders slumped, right beside the traffic light.
You were looking at your watch, getting more exasperated as time passes you by.

The limousine of an epiphany you are waiting for may not arrive in time to bring you where you want to be. You do know it, don't it?

My heart aches to see your solitary figure clutching on to Fear, paralysed by the web of uncertainty and warped sense of comfort it has casted on you.

You don't have to perfect to be at the start line. So what if you make mistake or take a tumble and fall? Think about it, and while you're at it, you might as well quit being so hard on yourself.

Remember this quote you came across not to long ago?


'Let Us not commit suicide for the fear of Death '


Love,
The one who will always love youl

Because your love makes me stronger...

Indeed. =)

Little Woman

It spooks me a little how hard it is for me to hold on to my emotions ,these days.

These oppressed, repressed days. These empty days where I don't think I'm trying hard enough. These days I know i should be counting my blessings and work towards my goals.

You know, just do it like they do in the Nike commercial.

I don't have the habit of explaining myself mainly because I don't like to.
But these days, it seems like I'm caught in the vicious cycle of creative procrastination ,violent emotion tsunamis and restless lost dreams. And unfulfilled expectations.

Whoever you are, you don't know me.
Even if I'm acting like a petulant school girl, it is probably because i'm making up for lost time.
Lost time, indeed.

Whatever comes out from my mouth sounds weak. I'm weak.

My fear of mediocrity overwhelms me. I'm lost, really.

By the way, don't ever pretend to know me.
I, unfortunately or otherwise, can be quite unpredictable sometimes.

When push comes to shove, I don't know what I will do.
For better , or first for worse.